Requesting and Rejecting

One of the hardest things for my husband and me has been trying to figure out how to appropriately request sex and how to appropriately reject it. Every once in a long while, we both happen to be "feeling it" at the exact same moment. But most of the time, it's a matter of one of us wants to when the other one doesn't realize it. So the one who's "in the mood" has to be comfortable enough to request intimacy somehow.

Yes, it would simplify things if we just came right out and said, "So, how about sex tonight?" but it would also make it too easy to say no, since the idea is not presented in an inviting way. What this means is we needed a way to signal the desire and a way to clearly respond.

We decided french kissing would be our signal, and the person who "slipped the tongue" would be okay with continuing to kiss and see if the other person opens up. The other person might not put their tongue out, but could continue kissing and that might warm them up to the idea.

Or they could stop kissing and offer a raincheck. If there's a marital stressor causing the lack of french kissing, this is a fair time to say, "I need to use my tongue to talk to you first about (whatever the problem is)."

In any case, this is all reliant on kissing being a common interaction, and that's been beneficial to our marriage in general. Kiss before leaving for work, kiss when getting home, kiss when about to drive the car somewhere together, kiss before going to sleep, kiss after saying family prayers (the kids love that one), kiss when waking up (after using mouthwash)! I think kissing regularly is almost like adding drips of water to our vessel of love, and eventually it overflows into full-blown intimacy that we've primed ourselves for. So it's more likely that the french kissing will get answered in-kind.

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