Hopefully some helpful hindsight

I'm in my forties and dating a man who might become my fifth husband. No judgment please! But I'm sharing some thoughts I've had as I'm deciding whether or not to try this marriage thing again. I hope they might be helpful as I try to learn from my past.

My first husband was actually a pretty good guy but I had extremely high expectations of what he should do. I unforgivably held him to that standard (which I can see now was ridiculous) and basically only gave him three chances to get things right. I held a score card over his head all the time and was rather unfair because I didn't hold myself to that and never worried about my own "score." After we had a baby I couldn't handle the stress of the baby along with the stress of the imperfect husband. My parents were actually excited to welcome me back home along with their grandchild, so I took that easy way out. As I've had to keep in touch with him over the years so he could have time with our son, I've noticed that he married a woman who was much lower stress than I was. He deserves that. 

My second husband was a relationship I rushed into, probably as a rebound, but also partly because I didn't want to live with my parents anymore. I had known him since childhood and even broke his heart in Junior High. I felt like he was an acceptable replacement daddy for my little one, and felt like he would accept me as a single mom (this label had greatly decreased my dating pool). Turns out I was a rebound for him too, and so we had to put some work into adjusting once we came to our senses. We decided to add another baby to the family, and sadly the baby was stillborn. This was too much sadness for both of us and it broke us. We tried to stay together for almost a year but ultimately being together reminded us too much of our loss. We ended that marriage confused and hurting but hopeful that we could move on with life. I haven't kept in touch with him. 

My third "husband" (we never legally married) came into my life when I turned 30. I felt like my age had helped me mature and I could choose a good man, but I was wrong... I ignored the red flag of his bad temper. He was a co-worker, but had been with the company longer than me and had worked his way up and made twice as much as me. I know it's crazy, but we didn't talk about our expectations ahead of time. Once we hooked up, I moved in with him since he had a house. I quit my job, thinking he would take care of me, but he got really angry. He said we were just roommates who have sex together! Since I had brought two people (myself and my son) into the house, he wanted me to pay 2/3 of the mortgage and food. Trying to keep the peace, I found another job. It was really exhausting to be working and taking care of him and the house (which was what his unspoken expectation had been). He didn't do anything in terms of household help, and basically ignored my son (who was with us every other week). I couldn't understand how I had ended up with him. He scared me with his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde changes, and his rage was terrible (though he never hit me or my son). I tried leaving him, and he would guilt me into staying, even pointing out that at least he wasn't violent. It was messing with my mind. With the help of my parents, I just left one day and cut off all communication and even got a new job and a new cell phone so he couldn't try to talk me into moving back in. It was hard, and he did eventually find me, but he didn't do anything crazy -- I was so grateful. It could have been worse. 

A few years later, I was working out at the gym when a younger guy started talking to me, showing up at the same times as me, attending the same classes as me. I could tell he was interested but I was so burnt from the past, it was hard to let down my guard. He finally got up the nerve to ask for my phone number and started texting me really romantic things everyday. I would tell him things from my past that might turn him off but he persisted. He finally asked if he could take me out to a movie, and I gave in. He was nervous, I could tell, and I took it as a good sign. But when he took me home, he asked if he could come in, and I let him. Looking back, I can see that he basically date raped me, but at the moment, I thought I gave consent by letting him into my apartment.

Anyways, that relationship continued in a fledgling way, with our physical bodies as the main thing -- we both liked the gym and we both wanted sex. When I got pregnant, he responded by asking to marry me, which I thought was a good idea for the sake of my baby to grow up with her dad. Plus, he was still very romantic to me. As the years went by, I just had to accept the fact that I had never really been very attracted to him. I was more attracted to how romantic he was and so I went along with it, but that even tapered off over time. When he got distracted by another woman, and told me wanted a divorce so he could pursue that relationship, I was a little bit relieved. But I was sad for my daughter who now splits her life between two houses, like my son did. That can't be easy on a kid. Luckily they've both had step-mothers who were kind and have treated them well.

So here I am almost 45 and kind of embarrassed about how my past is so unstable. The man I'm dating hasn't tried to get me into bed, and I think that's a good sign. He's got two kids also, but they're in college so I don't think that affects my decision very much. My daughter is entering puberty and I think that since this man has already parented teenage girls, he'll probably be able to help me manage whatever's ahead with her. I wish there was a way to ensure that this relationship is worth giving my heart to. I don't want to be lonely but I'm not sure I've learned all the lessons about how to successfully blend lives. I guess I've survived the previous lessons, and could survive more. But that's not a very optimistic outlook. Anyways, I'm hoping this is helpful to add to this and maybe my lessons can benefit more people than just myself.

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