Baggage

My husband and I each brought a lot of sexual baggage into our marriage. He had been sexually active since his teens and indulged in a porn habit. I had been molested as a child, date raped as a teen, and had two abusive marriages before this attempt. We decided we had to come into this with our eyes wide open, and the first step would be to be completely honest with each other. We had been introduced to the idea of religion through a neighbor who shared their conviction that it could help us succeed in our marriage. We found a church to attend and the clergy there helped us find a therapist we could trust to help us navigate our minefield of history. One thing we learned was "zero expectations" -- not base our current relationship on previous ones, either good or bad. Also, communication takes WORK. It's not just taking turns to talk. Listening is a conscientious skill. Especially listening with compassion and no judgment or assumptions. Little things like eye contact, holding hands, taking time before responding... these help us treat each other with respect -- an attitude we both needed help developing. It's worth it!