I was about 16 years old when I overheard my aunt and my mom talking to each other about bikini waxing. My aunt was an aesthetician and had noticed a major increase in request for these services and thought it might be due to the internet giving people easy access to porn. Since many more men and women were being influenced by that imagery, they were feeling like they had to live up to those images in their own lives. A few women that my aunt waxed verbalized their hope that getting waxed "down there" would increase their sexual pleasure, but those particular women didn't return for future waxings so she didn't get to hear whether it worked that magic (although she deduced that it didn't or else they would have returned!)

My mom's impassioned response was quite memorable to me: increasing sexual pleasure had *much* more to do with the relationship overall than with whether you had pubic hair. She talked about how porn was actually stealing pleasure from people and causing relationships to fail because of the unrealistic sexual expectations and the excessive emphasis on the sexual part of what is truly a multi-faceted partnership. I think she might have known I was listening and she hoped I would come to understand what she was saying.

I did choose to seek out and date men who weren't bogged down by viewing porn and who were mature enough to bring more to our potential marriage than just sex. I ended up marrying a man who had developed a similar philosophy and we've enjoyed a fantastic sex life -- as well as all of the other aspects of marriage for almost 15 years now. And I've never gotten a bikini waxing!

At some point in the first few years of marriage, my husband started teasing me that his name must be "Let's" -- because I would say things like,

"Let's make sure to pay the rent"
or
"Let's work on weeding the garden"
or
"Let's take the kids to the park."

I wasn't really indicating that we should work *together* on those things but rather was trying to give him instruction but softening it a bit by using "Let's." Apparently, he still understood that I expected him to do those things and it was not an inclusive "let's!"

Later, I noticed that his subconscious "nickname" for me was "Why Don't We" -- because whenever he started a phrase that way, he was actually requesting that I do whatever came after it: 

"Why don't we run the dishwasher every night after dinner?"
"Why don't we teach the kids to put their shoes in the hall closet?"
"Why don't we turn down the air conditioning to save some money?"

We laugh about having these little nicknames for each other and try to be good sports about accepting the directions that are couched in these loving terms that show an effort to try to be considerate of each other's feelings. 

I'm in my forties and dating a man who might become my fifth husband. No judgment please! But I'm sharing some thoughts I've had as I'm deciding whether or not to try this marriage thing again. I hope they might be helpful as I try to learn from my past.

My first husband was actually a pretty good guy but I had extremely high expectations of what he should do. I unforgivably held him to that standard (which I can see now was ridiculous) and basically only gave him three chances to get things right. I held a score card over his head all the time and was rather unfair because I didn't hold myself to that and never worried about my own "score." After we had a baby I couldn't handle the stress of the baby along with the stress of the imperfect husband. My parents were actually excited to welcome me back home along with their grandchild, so I took that easy way out. As I've had to keep in touch with him over the years so he could have time with our son, I've noticed that he married a woman who was much lower stress than I was. He deserves that. 

My second husband was a relationship I rushed into, probably as a rebound, but also partly because I didn't want to live with my parents anymore. I had known him since childhood and even broke his heart in Junior High. I felt like he was an acceptable replacement daddy for my little one, and felt like he would accept me as a single mom (this label had greatly decreased my dating pool). Turns out I was a rebound for him too, and so we had to put some work into adjusting once we came to our senses. We decided to add another baby to the family, and sadly the baby was stillborn. This was too much sadness for both of us and it broke us. We tried to stay together for almost a year but ultimately being together reminded us too much of our loss. We ended that marriage confused and hurting but hopeful that we could move on with life. I haven't kept in touch with him. 

My third "husband" (we never legally married) came into my life when I turned 30. I felt like my age had helped me mature and I could choose a good man, but I was wrong... I ignored the red flag of his bad temper. He was a co-worker, but had been with the company longer than me and had worked his way up and made twice as much as me. I know it's crazy, but we didn't talk about our expectations ahead of time. Once we hooked up, I moved in with him since he had a house. I quit my job, thinking he would take care of me, but he got really angry. He said we were just roommates who have sex together! Since I had brought two people (myself and my son) into the house, he wanted me to pay 2/3 of the mortgage and food. Trying to keep the peace, I found another job. It was really exhausting to be working and taking care of him and the house (which was what his unspoken expectation had been). He didn't do anything in terms of household help, and basically ignored my son (who was with us every other week). I couldn't understand how I had ended up with him. He scared me with his Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde changes, and his rage was terrible (though he never hit me or my son). I tried leaving him, and he would guilt me into staying, even pointing out that at least he wasn't violent. It was messing with my mind. With the help of my parents, I just left one day and cut off all communication and even got a new job and a new cell phone so he couldn't try to talk me into moving back in. It was hard, and he did eventually find me, but he didn't do anything crazy -- I was so grateful. It could have been worse. 

A few years later, I was working out at the gym when a younger guy started talking to me, showing up at the same times as me, attending the same classes as me. I could tell he was interested but I was so burnt from the past, it was hard to let down my guard. He finally got up the nerve to ask for my phone number and started texting me really romantic things everyday. I would tell him things from my past that might turn him off but he persisted. He finally asked if he could take me out to a movie, and I gave in. He was nervous, I could tell, and I took it as a good sign. But when he took me home, he asked if he could come in, and I let him. Looking back, I can see that he basically date raped me, but at the moment, I thought I gave consent by letting him into my apartment.

Anyways, that relationship continued in a fledgling way, with our physical bodies as the main thing -- we both liked the gym and we both wanted sex. When I got pregnant, he responded by asking to marry me, which I thought was a good idea for the sake of my baby to grow up with her dad. Plus, he was still very romantic to me. As the years went by, I just had to accept the fact that I had never really been very attracted to him. I was more attracted to how romantic he was and so I went along with it, but that even tapered off over time. When he got distracted by another woman, and told me wanted a divorce so he could pursue that relationship, I was a little bit relieved. But I was sad for my daughter who now splits her life between two houses, like my son did. That can't be easy on a kid. Luckily they've both had step-mothers who were kind and have treated them well.

So here I am almost 45 and kind of embarrassed about how my past is so unstable. The man I'm dating hasn't tried to get me into bed, and I think that's a good sign. He's got two kids also, but they're in college so I don't think that affects my decision very much. My daughter is entering puberty and I think that since this man has already parented teenage girls, he'll probably be able to help me manage whatever's ahead with her. I wish there was a way to ensure that this relationship is worth giving my heart to. I don't want to be lonely but I'm not sure I've learned all the lessons about how to successfully blend lives. I guess I've survived the previous lessons, and could survive more. But that's not a very optimistic outlook. Anyways, I'm hoping this is helpful to add to this and maybe my lessons can benefit more people than just myself.

It was our first date, and the man (who became my husband) asked me what my definition of love is. I had thought a lot about it because both of my parents (who were divorced) said they love me, but I only felt love from one of them... and it was the one who made sacrifices for me. My dad never really did much besides write a monthly child support check and take me to his favorite team's sporting events on the weekends when I was with him.

My mom, though, she was selfless! She missed work when I was sick. She turned off the TV when I came in the room so we could talk, even if it was in the middle of her favorite show. She took time to explain things to me, whether it was politics, religion, or how to cook rice or deal with the stress of final exams. She drove me places even after I had my license because I was afraid to drive at night. 

So on that first date, I described these things to my date, and I'm happy to say that he had figured out a very similar philosophy, from his own life experiences. So about six months later, we agreed to make sacrifices for each other for the rest of our lives. It's made our first 17 years of marriage blissful so we look forward to the next 70 years! It's a strange paradox how giving up something can result in such fulfillment! 

My first husband and I got married with the verbal vow to stay married forever, for better or worse. As the years went by, I was feeling like the "worse" part was where we were stuck. I brought it up with my husband, and he just replied, "Sorry. You said forever. There's no escape hatch."

Unfortunately, this phrase became his most common response to any request I made, whether a little thing like a chore or a big thing like how angry he was with the kids (especially as they developed teenage attitudes). My husband's phrase "no escape hatch" was his attempt to pull divorce off the table, and my brain responded by deciding suicide was the only way out.

Luckily I was able to talk this all through with my therapist and I never tried to commit suicide, but I did decide to leave the marriage. I felt like Princess Leia when she's fighting off stormtroopers and gets the idea to jump into the garbage chute. She knew the garbage chute wasn't going to be fun, but it would save her life. Yes, divorce hasn't solved every problem, and dealing with the garbage brought by the divorce has been its own ordeal, but my mental health and my self-worth have been preserved and literally my life has been too.

I still remember the day when I was 14 years old. My family was having a yard sale. My dad asked my brother to help him carry the TV out of my parents' bedroom and put it out for sale. I was a little baffled -- for as long as I could remember, I had fallen asleep to the muffled sounds of the Johnny Carson show as it came down the hall from their bedroom.

About ten years later, my mom was preparing me for my upcoming marriage, just sharing general advice. She remarked that having a TV in our bedroom would likely interfere with intimacy. I was then able to connect the dots! At about the same time frame as that yard sale, my parents' marriage had been rocky and they were attending counseling. I realized that the counselor had probably prescribed "no tv in the bedroom" and my dad was cooperating.

In the decade or so since I got married, my husband and I have also had to decide not to have cell phones in our bedroom either. We bought old fashioned alarm clocks to replace our phone alarms. It's like we've created a distraction-free haven where we can focus on one another, chat about whatever is going on in life, and just enjoy one another's company. And sometimes, that enjoyment results in intimacy!

My mom was pretty upfront with me about how hard marriage can be. But she still believed in it as the best situation for everyone to learn how to get along and sacrifice and for the children to have that stability. She said that she felt like there were only three reasons to get divorced, and they all start with "A" -- Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction.

She said that even though "Annoyance" starts with A, it's not a good reason! Learning to put things in perspective and love the man you married is one of the great lessons of life. If he tells goofy jokes, tickles you a little too often, has stinky feet, or other minor things, choose to love him in spite of him. Focus on the good.
​
But if he is abusive -- physically, verbally, sexually -- then exit that marriage! If he commits adultery, let him go. If he is not willing to go through addiction recovery programs and stick with those commitments, then dissolve your commitment to him. Even though divorce is difficult, your children will benefit from moving away from this environment. If you're having a hard time doing it for your own sake, do it for your children's sake. You don't want them to learn from and follow this kind of bad example and treat their future families in these kind of disrespectful ways, too.

I just have to share about kegeling. It's a form of exercise for both men and women that can increase sexual satisfaction. You can do the exercise anywhere, anytime -- it's invisible. I've done it standing in line at the grocery store! I train my brain to think: "Do kegels!" whenever I find myself waiting -- like at red lights, or on hold on the phone, or even for the blender to finish blending. It's the same muscles that you would use to stop the flow of urine -- but don't practice while urinating because it can cause a back-up of urine into your bladder which might lead to an infection. So, get those kegel muscles nice and strong and then use them during intercourse and you'll see why! There are other benefits, too, like if you kegel while sneezing, you won't leak urine anymore! And it's been shown to contribute to prevention of uterine prolapse. 

Something primal inside me really responds to my husband's facial hair. Due to his job as a firefighter, though, he's not able to wear a beard since it keeps his mask from suctioning to his face. However, he's aware of my natural inclination towards his stubble and so on his off-days he purposely doesn't shave for my sake! It's a sweet little token of his love for me.

I guess this might be common sense to other people, but for some reason I thought sex was just for night time. And it got to be so burdensome. Especially when the toddlers have more energy than me! Finally, my husband came up with the idea of morning sex, and that has been so much better for me. I wake up refreshed and so I can be a more active participant! It's a great way to start my day (not that we start every day that way, to be clear!). I'm glad I got over that hangup that it's just a night thing.