 By Natascha Jaffa I didn't know I was suffering from postpartum depression. I'd had my daughter a few weeks before, but while I felt physically healthier, I found myself sinking in every other aspect of my life. I didn't want people to come over to my house to see the baby. I wouldn't let my husband anywhere near my newborn, and it felt like all I was doing with my four-year-old was screaming. I spent my days deep cleaning every inch of my house then crumbling into a pile of sobs when the baby woke up. My entire life had turned into a rollercoaster I couldn't stop. I tried reaching out to my mother-in-law. She ignored me. I tried talking to my husband. He didn't believe depression was anything more than a cry for attention (at the time--he's since come to a different understanding and I still love him. Lol.). At my six-week follow-up appointment, I mentioned my feelings to my OB/GYN, and his response? "Why didn't you call me?" In that moment, it was suddenly my fault I didn't realize what was happening. My fault that I didn't have the right education on postpartum depression so I could self-monitor or have an effective conversation with my husband. It was my fault I was in this mess and that I'd let this happen. (Not really. Because my brain--and yours--is going to lie to you when you're suffering from depression) That night, as dejection and hopelessness consumed me, I fantasized about suffocating my newborn with a pillow. For the first time ever, my thoughts scared me. It was then I realized this wasn't just an adjustment period, and I had to admit that I wasn't managing. But, more importantly, I couldn't rely on my immediate family to help. I wasn't going to get their support because they literally didn't understand what I was going through. It took months to unravel my feelings of worthlessness and accept that I needed outside help. Of course, I'd done my due diligence in knowing what postpartum depression was before giving birth and weighing the chances I would fall victim to it. But when you're in it, you can't see anything except that dark hole you want to get out of. I gradually got better. I got more sleep. I eliminated foods from my diet that made me feel worse. I drank more water and got more exercise. But the best thing I did for myself? I got support from another mom (not my mother-in-law). Just the simple act of us taking our babies on walks after the bus picked up our kindergartners and talking changed everything for me. I felt seen. If my story resonates with you or if you think it someone you love is experiencing postpartum depression, please don't rely on other people to point it out to you. 👉🏻 Make the call to SAMHSA's hotline. 👉🏻 Make the appointment to see a therapist or a psychiatrist. 👉🏻 Reach out to a trusted friend, your OB/GYN, or talk to your significant other. And if that doesn't work, try someone else. 👉🏻 Advocate for yourself. Because you are worthy. You are loved. You have value despite what your brain might be trying to tell you. And, no, we are not better off without you. Don't give up.
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By Annette T. Durfee, Momivate's Cultivate Leader  Have you ever noticed the oddities of life? ...like how the birthday cake you’re making never looks like the one in the picture? Never mind comparing it to the picture – which is actually a cake made of four layers, so that means you actually have to use TWO cake mixes... but the picture won’t tell you that. Pay no attention to the fact that the sad crack in your attempt at the cake will NOT stay “glued” together, no matter how much frosting you use to cement it together. Humph! And don’t even notice the huge crumbs that are adhering to the once-white frosting (maybe some sprinkles will hide them!!). Perhaps, you conclude, the sides look better unfrosted anyway! OR - Does it ever seem that the most meaningful conversation you get to have with your spouse is: -- at the end of the day, -- at the bathroom sink -- while you are foaming at the mouth with an electric toothbrush wildly sputtering, unable in the least to utter a sensible word? So, you play the game of charades or better yet – an impromptu sign language which you try to decipher without splattering toothpaste blobs on the mirror as you laugh through the hilarity of it all? OR - Do you find yourself seething at the injustice of finding that there are always at least 3 diapers left in the package that absolutely WILL NOT fit your baby before they transfer to the next size up? AND - Have you tried to mathematically explain why, with so few people in the family, every single cup in the house gets dirtied – including the measuring cups? I’m probably not the only one who has had more than her share of Pinterest fails and foibles. But if my Better Crocker skills don’t take the cake at least my attitude will. If you’re like me, and even one of these scenarios rings true for you, this might be a good time to take a look at a happy principle that can help every mother and homemaker: realistic expectations. Yes, with a little reality check, you can take anything that comes with ease. ACCEPTANCE Did you know that some things are supposed to be imperfect? Mismatched socks... scuffs on your best running shoes... sticky fingerprints on the fridge door handle... Almost imperceptibly, flabby bellies, burnt toast, and layers of dust just happen. Life happens! There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with your family. It is what it is. And it’s not only OK for it to be this way, it is supposed to be that way! Take the coffee table for example – an innocent enough piece of furniture wouldn’t you say? But in a house full of children, is it really going to stay a focal piece impressively set with elegant table top décor? Of course not! You and I both know that even the best homes aren’t picture perfect. We can expect that homes with children have their fair share of crumbs, smelly socks, broken figurines, lost items, scattered toys, ripped pages in books, smears on the sliding glass door, and on and on. It helps when I know that some things will inevitably happen, because it allows me a great deal of sanity for when the unexpected happens and things don’t work out perfectly. In fact, if you can look at it with a smile in your heart, you might just find it so ludicrous that it provides a moment of laughter that you look back on with fondness. While mothering my Littles, I frequently found peace of mind through a quote often attributed to Marjorie Pay Hinckley to help me remember that my priorities were just where they should be: I don’t want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor’s children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone’s garden. I want to be there with children’s sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here, and that I really lived. Expecting reality doesn’t mean admitting defeat! I can expect, for example, that my children will make endless messes (and I will too), but that doesn’t stop us from cleaning it up at the appropriate time. My communication with my spouse may be spotty at times, but that doesn’t mean we neglect our relationship. We regularly and consistently schedule time to be with one another to just TALK (most times without a dental implement in hand). We are gloriously imperfect in each and every way, but we set goals, and give assignments. And we put our plan into action with a little elbow grease. We do it, remembering the WHY of it all – not to satisfy some plausible guest who never seems to stop by, nor even to catch up to the Jones family (although we admit that they ARE a nice bunch!) - but because we like it that way. In fact, we even enjoy it! I am enough. I can be happy without being Pinterest Perfect. While the Internet world of “reality” sometimes creates a facade of perfectly clean homes, the Gerber baby who never cries, and homes decorated to a “T,” I can be happy with what we have and who we are becoming. I may also (heaven forbid) go without some of the niceties of the luxury homes in order to allow myself to spend more time concentrating my efforts more closely on building a strong home and family. We can also give ourselves credit for being creative, even if it means that we make a mess for a while. We are, after all, learning, growing, and developing together. In fact, we are a living, breathing work of art! I suppose the casual passerby may judge me and my efforts (or seemingly lack of them), but that judge won’t be me. I will give myself grace allowing me and my family space to be real humans. We ARE indeed “good enough.” We can have strength and self - confidence to do and be and achieve in real albeit imperfect ways.
My twin daughters are in a kickboxing class at the local community college and this video was assigned to them as homework. It struck me as so simple that it is well worth the couple of minutes to review information we likely are already aware of but need continual reminders about. Moms, this is what we do -- we are the reminders, the repeaters, the consistent, kind, and friendly reviewers and encouragers!
From the YouTube Description: Wellness means overall well-being. It includes the emotional, environmental, financial, intellectual, occupational, physical, social, and spiritual aspects of a person’s life. Incorporating aspects of the Eight Dimensions of Wellness, such as choosing healthy foods, forming strong relationships, and exercising often, into everyday habits can help people live longer and improve quality of life. The Eight Dimensions of Wellness may also help people better manage their condition and experience recovery. This short animated video explores the Eight Dimensions of Wellness and helps people understand the practical strategies and ways they can begin developing healthy habits that can have a positive impact on their physical and mental health. To learn more about SAMHSA’s Wellness Initiative, click here.  Photo from Pixabay.com In each passing mortal hour All around me there is need, There are hearts that yearn and tears that fall And hungry souls to feed. I must seek the Spirit's wisdom, Learn compassion's gentle art, For I cannot give with empty hands Nor love with barren heart. If I would bear my brother's burden, If I would share my sister's grief, Extend the hand of sweet compassion, Offer the weary ones relief, If I would ease the thirst of strangers, And serve His children heart and hand, I must drink of Heaven's wells o'erflowing, I must learn to fill the well within. I will serve my Savior gladly, Seek his little lambs who stray; But if I would lead them safely home, I must know the way. I must seek for understanding That I may teach His children well, If I seek to fill the soul athirst, I must first be filled. That I may bear my brother's burden, That I may share my sister's grief, Extend the hand of sweet compassion, Offer the weary ones relief, That I may ease the thirst of strangers, And serve His children heart and hand, I must drink of Heaven's wells o'erflowing, I must learn to fill the well within. By Sally DeFord  Photo Credit: Alex Bodini on Unsplash.com
Blessings on the hand of women! Angels guard its strength and grace. In the palace, cottage, hovel, Oh, no matter where the place; Would that never storms assailed it, Rainbows ever gently curled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. Infancy's the tender fountain, Power may with beauty flow, Mothers first to guide the streamlets, From them souls unresting grow -- Grow on for the good or evil, Sunshine streamed or evil hurled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. Woman, how divine your mission, Here upon our natal sod; Keep – oh, keep the young heart open Always to the breath of God! All true trophies of the ages Are from mother-love impearled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. Blessings on the hand of women! Fathers, sons, and daughters cry, And the sacred song is mingled With the worship in the sky -- Mingles where no tempest darkens, Rainbows evermore are hurled; For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world.  Photo Credit: Caroline Veronez on Unsplash.com The Mom in the Mirror
When you get what you want in your struggle for self And the world makes you queen for a day, Just go to the mirror and look at yourself And see what *that* mom has to say. For it isn’t your facebook or instagram likes Whose judgement upon you must pass. The woman whose verdict counts most in your life Is the one staring back from the glass. Some people may see all your beautiful posts And think you’re free from all wrongs. But the mom in the glass knows about the burnt toast, And the flats and the sharps in your songs. She’s the woman to please - never mind all the rest, For she’s with you (and your kids) to the end. And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test If the mom in the glass is your friend. You don’t need to convince the whole instagram crowd That they’ll never know anyone dearer. Adore your imperfect self and be proud To love that real mom in the mirror. For when you accept that perfection you lack And pursue simple progress instead, You offer yourself the best kind of feedback And happier feelings are spread. Other moms need to know that your struggles are real And how optimism can play A critical role in how you manage and deal With life’s topsy turvy melee. No need to complain, no need to hold back Let authenticity be your goal And the mom in the mirror will share her life hack: “Be true to the mom in your soul!”  Photo Credit: Parham Moieni on Unsplash.com The Weaver
My life is but a weaving Between my God and me. I cannot choose the colors He weaveth steadily. Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow; And I in foolish pride Forget He sees the upper And I the underside. Not ’til the loom is silent And the shuttles cease to fly Will God unroll the canvas And reveal the reason why. The dark threads are as needful In the weaver’s skillful hand As the threads of gold and silver In the pattern He has planned. He knows, He loves, He cares; Nothing this truth can dim. He gives the very best to those Who leave the choice to Him. By Grant Colfax Tullar Written by Dr. LaReina Hingson, Momivate Director of Relationship Dynamics  Photo Credit: Briana Tozour on Unsplash.com Being a mother means most of your social circle is already established--you spend time and energy on your children, family members, and people in your circle that you already know. However, social distancing restrictions during COVID reminded us that meeting and interacting with *new* people breathes life into our world, whether it’s the cashier at the market or another mom at your kids’ school. This post offers some ideas about how to increase your sphere of friendship, whether because you need a friend or someone out there needs you! Adding friendship to our world is always a good thing. Seize the day Often, making friends is as simple as putting yourself out there. Likely, you interact with people all day long; taking the time to talk to them as a person, even for as little as a single minute, can open the door to the possibility of creating new and meaningful friendships. A friendship you create of a minute is a friendship, even if it doesn’t last beyond that; it brings life to your day-to-day routine. Try asking someone you don’t know one of the following questions:
Apps aren’t just for dating Maybe your current stage of motherhood means you’re not leaving your house very often -- have no fear! Many apps that are traditionally for dating have expanded their services to a “just looking for friends” option. Some benefits of using an app to find friends include:
If this might be for you, be sure to check which apps have friend options and that your spouse (if you have one) is aware of your intentions with the app! Service can help you find friends!
Service is touted as one of the best places to meet and make new friendships. Bonus: you know your time is being spent productively, so there’s a built-in useful aspect to your time whether long term friendships result or not. Doing service while meeting others can take the pressure off the interaction as well. For those who aren’t strong social butterflies, this division of mental focus can actually improve your conversation with others by allowing you to relax and giving you a built-in topic. Additionally, you generally get to choose what service you want to give, so chances are higher that the people you serve and serve with have similarities to your own values and interests. Since COVID, nursing homes and other activities have increased their virtual service options, which means the mother with limited time can pursue opportunities to serve without factoring in the travel time. Look for virtual service options by contacting your local nursing homes, schools for tutoring programs, or by logging on to justserve.org. Here at Momivate, a non-profit, we have a few opportunities to serve listed here! Moms, there's no need to be lonely! Reach out! Your efforts to befriend someone will not only bless your life but also the person whose friend you become. Plus, your children will benefit from watching your friendship-making situations!! |
