|
By Diana Duke, Secretary on Momivate's MotherBoard  Photo Credit: Elena Koycheva on Unsplash.com They say that patience is a virtue. Sometimes I wonder if it's a virtue I once mastered and then lost somewhere along the way. I think back to a time before I was a mother, when I had all of the patience in the world. I worked at a group home for children with disabilities and quickly found how much I loved it. As time moved on, I started a family and found myself venturing into other fields. However, at the top of my priorities was being a mother to my children. I had an amazing husband and, although we had our struggles, life was good. I wish I’d had more time to be the wife I always wanted to be, but things took a turn for the worse and I found myself widowed at thirty-one. I completely fell apart for a while. I lost my sense of self, and that patience I’d had was now something that I was searching for. I feel that it is something I am really struggling with, yet all of the time everyone around me is telling me, “You have so much patience—I don't know how you do it!” I am constantly being told what a good mother I am and, though I am grateful for their kind comments, it leads me to wonder who I am. I don't feel patient. I don't feel so wonderful all the time. I think we as mothers are often our own hardest critics. However, I am pretty competitive, so I have to believe that the bar that I set long ago for myself has to be attainable or I wouldn't have set it in the first place. I want to be happy, and I want my children to be happy. I find that getting back to the basics makes life so much easier. Being patient with ourselves, patient with our children, and being patient with those around us makes us kinder and more gentle. I know that it can be hard when you don't know where to start. But you just have to start where you are. So that is what I'm doing--jumping in and starting where I am. Even as I write this, I have found myself worrying; not knowing what to write about; stressing out that nobody wants to hear about my chaotic struggles. But we are human and we all have our own challenges. We need to be patient with ourselves. Right now one of my challenges is the never-ending laundry pile--I never get to cross it off my to-do list, so I never get the satisfaction of completion. However, what I can do is set a goal for how many loads I can do today. That way I am able to cross something off my to-do list with satisfaction. I can go on and on about the steps I have to take to be patient with myself. We are all different; what works for me isn't going to work for everyone else. But each of us can do something to quiet those negative, self-defeating thoughts in our heads. What are some things you can do to be patient with yourself?
0 Comments
My twin daughters are in a kickboxing class at the local community college and this video was assigned to them as homework. It struck me as so simple that it is well worth the couple of minutes to review information we likely are already aware of but need continual reminders about. Moms, this is what we do -- we are the reminders, the repeaters, the consistent, kind, and friendly reviewers and encouragers!
From the YouTube Description: Wellness means overall well-being. It includes the emotional, environmental, financial, intellectual, occupational, physical, social, and spiritual aspects of a person’s life. Incorporating aspects of the Eight Dimensions of Wellness, such as choosing healthy foods, forming strong relationships, and exercising often, into everyday habits can help people live longer and improve quality of life. The Eight Dimensions of Wellness may also help people better manage their condition and experience recovery. This short animated video explores the Eight Dimensions of Wellness and helps people understand the practical strategies and ways they can begin developing healthy habits that can have a positive impact on their physical and mental health. To learn more about SAMHSA’s Wellness Initiative, click here.  If you want to know the value of... ...a month... ask a teenager who's been grounded. ...a week... ask a student with a research paper due. ...a day... ask a substitute teacher. ...a minute... ask a guy getting bombarded with questions by the parents of the girl who is still upstairs getting ready for their date. ...a second... ask a basketball player, down by 1, in possession of the ball. ...a millisecond... ask a gymnast. ...a yard... ask a running back at a football game. ...an inch... ask a bungee jumper. ...a gallon... ask a teenager who buys his own gasoline. ...a phone call... ask the person who just put in a job application. What would you add?? Too often we are scared. Scared of what we might not be able to do. Scared of what people might think if we tried. We let our FEARS stand in the way of our HOPES. We say "no" when we want to say "yes." We sit quietly when we want to scream. And we shout with the others, when we should keep our mouths shut. WHY? after all, we do only go around once. SO STOP. Try something you've never tried. RISK IT. Enter a triathlon. Write a letter to the editor. Demand a raise. Call winners at the toughest court. Throw away your television. Bicycle across the United States. Try bobsledding. Try anything. Speak out against the designated hitter. Travel to a country where you don't speak the language. Patent something. Call him. You have nothing to lose. And everything EVERYTHING EVERYTHING to gain. JUST DO IT.  Photo Credit: Kenny Krosky on Unsplash.com  Photo from Pixabay.com In each passing mortal hour All around me there is need, There are hearts that yearn and tears that fall And hungry souls to feed. I must seek the Spirit's wisdom, Learn compassion's gentle art, For I cannot give with empty hands Nor love with barren heart. If I would bear my brother's burden, If I would share my sister's grief, Extend the hand of sweet compassion, Offer the weary ones relief, If I would ease the thirst of strangers, And serve His children heart and hand, I must drink of Heaven's wells o'erflowing, I must learn to fill the well within. I will serve my Savior gladly, Seek his little lambs who stray; But if I would lead them safely home, I must know the way. I must seek for understanding That I may teach His children well, If I seek to fill the soul athirst, I must first be filled. That I may bear my brother's burden, That I may share my sister's grief, Extend the hand of sweet compassion, Offer the weary ones relief, That I may ease the thirst of strangers, And serve His children heart and hand, I must drink of Heaven's wells o'erflowing, I must learn to fill the well within. By Sally DeFord Being empathic -- able to feel the emotions of others -- can be a gift, showing compassion and wanting to ease sadness. It might also be stressful, since the other person is the one in charge of whether their complex emotions get resolved in healthy ways or not. Being able to "LET GO" is a skill that empaths must learn and practice! But what does it mean? In high school, I took a class called Peer Facilitation, and it taught us how to keep ourselves emotionally level while reaching out to those who were off kilter. Here is one of the handouts from that class, which I've kept almost 30 years! It describes both what "LET GO" is AND what it is NOT. May it help you in your journey as a mother, definitely a position of empathy! Also, a position with the temptation to try to control another person. Gaining this perspective, this ability to LET GO will make motherhood a much more enjoyable journey -- full of love instead of fear.  Photo Credit: Brett Jordan on Unsplash.com To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else. To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another. To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself. To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about. To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive. To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcome, but to allow others to effect their own destinies. To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality. To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept. To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it. To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To "let go" is to fear less and love more. Author unknown  Photo Credit: Heather Zabriskie on Unsplash.com If you had a bank that credited your account each morning with $86,000 ---- That carried over no balance from day to day... Allowed you to keep no cash in your account... And every evening, it canceled whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day... What would you do?? Draw out every cent every day, of course, and use it to your advantage! Well, you have such a bank----and its name is "TIME." Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night, it rules off as lost whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balances. It allows no overdrafts. Each day, it opens a new account with you. Each night, it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "Tomorrow." It is up to each of us to invest the precious fund of hours, minutes and seconds in order to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The above is a quote I've had since high school and it has often influenced my decisions of how to spend my time. I used to think that sleep was a waste of time, until I realized that getting enough sleep helped me use the awake time more efficiently, plus it contributed to my health. Due to this quote's message, I rarely watch television or get stuck in the rabbit hole of social media. I choose mindfully how much and which media to intake. A few years ago, my brother died suddenly, with no warning, and that unexpected death taught me that procrastinating might mean I never have a chance to do what I really want to do!! So I learned that it's not just a matter of filling my time... instead, I invest my time and spend it on the people and projects that are most important to me! I've figured out that I can't do everything, so I want to make sure that what I am doing is based on my priorities: People first (they have feelings!). Projects second. And the unimportant things are what go undone. What's unimportant to me (like cleaning out the kitchen sink everyday) might be important to someone else (like my mom), but we have to respect each other's usage of time! Because I try to live according to this philosophy, I don't feel bad or guilty about taking down time when my body and spirit send the signal for it. I just relax, knowing I've made good use of my time, and that giving myself a break is important, too!  Photo Credit: Alex Bodini on Unsplash.com
Blessings on the hand of women! Angels guard its strength and grace. In the palace, cottage, hovel, Oh, no matter where the place; Would that never storms assailed it, Rainbows ever gently curled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. Infancy's the tender fountain, Power may with beauty flow, Mothers first to guide the streamlets, From them souls unresting grow -- Grow on for the good or evil, Sunshine streamed or evil hurled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. Woman, how divine your mission, Here upon our natal sod; Keep – oh, keep the young heart open Always to the breath of God! All true trophies of the ages Are from mother-love impearled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. Blessings on the hand of women! Fathers, sons, and daughters cry, And the sacred song is mingled With the worship in the sky -- Mingles where no tempest darkens, Rainbows evermore are hurled; For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world.  Photo Credit: Caroline Veronez on Unsplash.com The Mom in the Mirror
When you get what you want in your struggle for self And the world makes you queen for a day, Just go to the mirror and look at yourself And see what *that* mom has to say. For it isn’t your facebook or instagram likes Whose judgement upon you must pass. The woman whose verdict counts most in your life Is the one staring back from the glass. Some people may see all your beautiful posts And think you’re free from all wrongs. But the mom in the glass knows about the burnt toast, And the flats and the sharps in your songs. She’s the woman to please - never mind all the rest, For she’s with you (and your kids) to the end. And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test If the mom in the glass is your friend. You don’t need to convince the whole instagram crowd That they’ll never know anyone dearer. Adore your imperfect self and be proud To love that real mom in the mirror. For when you accept that perfection you lack And pursue simple progress instead, You offer yourself the best kind of feedback And happier feelings are spread. Other moms need to know that your struggles are real And how optimism can play A critical role in how you manage and deal With life’s topsy turvy melee. No need to complain, no need to hold back Let authenticity be your goal And the mom in the mirror will share her life hack: “Be true to the mom in your soul!”
Are you convinced that screens are hurting our children's brains?
I am. Not just in theory but based on personal experience! Maybe not the way you think -- my case is a counter-example. When I was 12 or so, my mom cut the cord off the TV because we weren't keeping the rules -- and so I enjoyed a very *rich* teen time frame despite being raised by a single mom, well within poverty level. I was *rich* in my zeal for living a real life! I wasn't weighed down by expectations put into my brain by watching TV shows or seeing commercials about everything I couldn't afford and being convinced that I needed those things. I had free time to find out what was important to me and then do it! I rarely felt "left out" when conversations about TV shows seemed irrelevant to my life. In contrast, my friends often felt left out when I described how I spent my time discovering and developing various hobbies, enjoying real-life social fun like impromptu pizza parties, long drives to interesting destinations, and long talks with my on-again-off-again boyfriend (our relationship was not defined by TV's examples). Yes, I still watched TV at friends' houses sometimes -- I wasn't against it altogether -- but those exposures solidified my philosophy that TV's pressurized influence would have greatly clouded my vision, and likely was blinding my peers from seeing their potential. Nowadays, it's no longer TV alone trying to program our children's behavior and thought processes. It comes through so many screens that cutting one cord wouldn't make much of a difference! How can we help our children navigate this territory that's also new territory to us as parents? Is it really possible and plausible to keep them away from such a pervasive influence -- or is keeping them away the goal anymore? Despite my past that I'm proud of, I'm parenting in extremely different circumstances, and I've determined that the goal is not to avoid screens altogether, but to build the ability to manage screen time effectively, and ultimately flourish with screens. Our family has a Family Technology Plan that is consistently being reviewed and sometimes revised as we encounter new situations that may not have been covered by previous drafts. As parents, we are straightforward with our children about how screen time (even educational screen time!) can be detrimental to our brains. Yes, we restrict the amount of time, redirecting repeatedly, and with the responsibility placed incrementally more on the child according to their age. Our goal is to help our children develop their own healthy habits, with a strong desire to be actively architecting their own lives rather than just watching someone else's scripted life through a screen. If you haven't gained a conviction yet of the necessity for parents to be pro-active in their children's journey to safe screen use, please watch this documentary! Yes, the struggle is real, and so worth every effort!
The following is copied and pasted from the YouTube page:
For the first time in history, mental illness and suicide have become one of the greatest threats to school-aged children. Many parents still view dangers as primarily physical and external, but they’re missing the real danger: kids spending more time online and less time engaging in real life, free play, and autonomy. What are the effects on the next generation's mental, physical, and spiritual health? Childhood was more or less unchanged for millennia, but this is CHILDHOOD 2.0. For more resources and to download a community discussion guide and share with your community, please visit: https://bit.ly/32voKpY. NOTE: Bark is proud to sponsor the free release of this film because we believe every family should have access to such a crucial, powerful resource. Run Time: 88 Minutes A Film by: Jamin Winans, Robert Muratore, and Kiowa Winans Music by: Jamin Winans By Regan Barnes, ChairMom of the MotherBoard  Every six months or so, for reasons so far unexplained, my vocal cords go on strike. Maybe it’s something to do with the change of seasons or an unidentified allergy… Whatever it is, I’m left without one of my main mothering weapons… ahem, uh, I mean, tools.
I used to be a yeller and have worked hard over the past 15 (or so) years to tone down so my kids won’t tune out. The occasional temporary loss of my voice has taught me an important lesson in this sense: volume matters, and lower is better. During one of these vocal cord vacations, I needed to get my children’s attention and ask a question, but whispering was all I could do. I decided to clap first, then ask the question once I had eye contact with them. *CLAP* (their eyes look up) Me, whispering: “We don’t have any leftovers. What would you like for lunch instead?” Much to my surprise, the child who responded used a whisper, too! Then another child wanted to give their input, and (although this malady of mine is not contagious, I swear) their two cents were given with the same reduced-volume breathiness. We all looked at each other and started giggling, realizing that the kiddos unnecessary raspiness was simply a matter of “monkey see, monkey do” or more appropo to this situation: monkey hear, monkey speak. While this particular story is with regards to the volume of my voice, I’ve found its lesson to hold true with regards to a wide range of hearing the echoes of myself as a mother. If I yell too much, so do my kids. If I take a deep breath and try to stay calm, so do my kids. If I make excuses and avoid chores, so do my kids. If I sing silly songs to make chores more pleasant, so do my kids. If I use sarcasm, so do my kids. If I give compliments, so do my kids. You’re understanding, right, Mama? Do you hear these "echoes" in your own home as well? It can be humbling!! Our maternal voice -- not just the loud or soft but the content as well -- is like a hoe digging ruts in the brains of our babies. When their voices start to flow, the forces of gravity dictate that they’ll fall into those ruts and follow our example. Since the whispering incident brought this natural law to my awareness, now I can conscientiously hoe the rows that help their voices flow along adding harmony to our home. It takes effort, yes. But I can do hard things! And so can you, Mama! |
