By Phyllis Moyes

Diversity is a buzzword for our day; it should be. Diversity enriches innovation and creativity, cultivates a feeling of just security, and helps every age, gender, race, or culture feel represented. But what if I told you that we (every human) have the same needs at the center of the heart? It's true! It doesn't matter who you are; everyone has Core Needs.

Look at this list. Do any or all of these resonate with your heart?

Basic Core Needs:

• Security
• Connection & Love
• Autonomy (a sense of independence)
• Acceptance
• Respect/Fairness
• Growth/Progress
• Competence

When Core Needs go unmet, Primary Emotions are activated. Look at this list and see if you can relate.
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Examples of Primary Emotions

• Fear
• Loneliness
• Disappointment
• Shame
• Hurt

Primary Emotions usually set off an avalanche of Secondary Emotions. Can you relate?

Examples of Secondary Emotions

• Anger
• Anxiety

Anger and anxiety lead to nagging, avoidance, yelling, lying, micromanaging, and defensiveness. 

Here is a video clip created by BYUiDo.org that explains the concept well. (This video speaks about the Core Needs Model for bettering marriage but it is applicable to any relationship.)

Can I share an example with you that will help illustrate this idea better? From the time my daughter was in eighth grade and up until she graduated from high school, we had a complicated relationship. (Moms, if your child is in junior high, stop what you are doing now and hug them! Chances are, they need it.) I am grateful for hindsight because I can see the complexity of our relationship clearer now. I didn't have words for it then, but I have since realized that I wasn't angry (Secondary Emotion) with her; I was scared -- a primary emotion that came from my unmet core need for security. She was involved in a rough crowd, and they scared me. I didn't trust that her choices would keep her safe. Further, my core need for a genuine connection with her felt severed so I felt lonely (a primary emotion), which I usually expressed through the secondary emotion of anger.

For an even clearer illustration, pretend that you are hiking with your daughter when suddenly, a grizzly bear begins charging for her. Immediately, your heart starts to race; you are so scared (primary emotion). Fight or flight takes over, and you start charging for the bear, using a secondary emotion of anger. You are a warrior who will stop at nothing to save your daughter!

At that moment, what is the need? Is the need to be angry at the bear? No. The grizzly is an immediate threat to your core need of keeping your daughter safe, so there's a surge of fear (primary emotion), which triggers something inside us to fight; so we become angry and fierce. 

My daughter also had unmet core needs. She was desperate for connection and security at home, but every interaction seemed hostile and contentious. Remember, I was in fear mode and expressed it through anger. She wanted to feel independent, have a sense of sovereign power, and feel respected and heard. But I was too busy feeding the worry from my own unmet needs.

Do you see the pattern? It is cyclical. We both had unmet core needs, leading to primary and secondary emotions.

I remember the day it changed -- or rather, I changed. I made a conscious effort to have ten positive exchanges for every corrective interaction. Sometimes it was hard because the fear was so great, but when I stepped back and took a breath, I could meet her core needs better. An interesting thing happened; when I met her core needs, mine seemed to follow.

As you engage your teenagers this week, ask yourself, "Which of my core needs are not being met, leading me to feel _____ (angry, anxiety, sadness, irritation, etc.?)"
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And please be sure to also ask yourself -- or even your teen directly -- "Which of my child's core needs are not being met, leading them to feel ____."

​My experience is that once the core needs are met, the emotions and relationship change organically. 

By Momivate's Atmosphere CouncilMom, Annette T. Durfee

​As a classical musician, I knew the benefits of classical music: an increased learning capacity, creativity, and self-esteem, to name only a few.  Knowing that our children weren’t going to grow up on a farm (like my parents did), we still wanted to teach them hard work, patience, and discipline. We decided to instill these values through formal music lessons! Thus, we became the beneficiaries of practice sessions, morning-noon-and-night! We eagerly attended recitals and concerts galore! Music sweetly and simply lent a soothing atmosphere to our home and even our car, as we traveled to and fro.

Being empathic -- able to feel the emotions of others -- can be a gift, showing compassion and wanting to ease sadness. It might also be stressful, since the other person is the one in charge of whether their complex emotions get resolved in healthy ways or not. Being able to "LET GO" is a skill that empaths must learn and practice! But what does it mean?

In high school, I took a class called Peer Facilitation, and it taught us how to keep ourselves emotionally level while reaching out to those who were off kilter. Here is one of the handouts from that class, which I've kept almost 30 years! It describes both what "LET GO" is AND what it is NOT.

​May it help you in your journey as a mother, definitely a position of empathy! Also, a position with the temptation to try to control another person. Gaining this perspective, this ability to LET GO will make motherhood a much more enjoyable journey -- full of love instead of fear.

​

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization that I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for,
but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcome,
but to allow others to effect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

Author unknown

• by William Ross Wallace (1819-1881)

​Blessings on the hand of women!
    Angels guard its strength and grace.
In the palace, cottage, hovel,
    Oh, no matter where the place;
Would that never storms assailed it,
    Rainbows ever gently curled,
For the hand that rocks the cradle
    Is the hand that rules the world.

Infancy's the tender fountain,
    Power may with beauty flow,
Mothers first to guide the streamlets,
    From them souls unresting grow --
Grow on for the good or evil,
    Sunshine streamed or evil hurled,
For the hand that rocks the cradle
    Is the hand that rules the world.

Woman, how divine your mission,
    Here upon our natal sod;
Keep – oh, keep the young heart open
    Always to the breath of God!
All true trophies of the ages
    Are from mother-love impearled,
For the hand that rocks the cradle
    Is the hand that rules the world.

Blessings on the hand of women!
    Fathers, sons, and daughters cry,
And the sacred song is mingled
    With the worship in the sky --
Mingles where no tempest darkens,
    Rainbows evermore are hurled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
    Is the hand that rules the world.

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.

Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.

Not ’til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares;
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those
Who leave the choice to Him.

​By Grant Colfax Tullar

Are you convinced that screens are hurting our children's brains?

I am. Not just in theory but based on personal experience! Maybe not the way you think -- my case is a counter-example. 

When I was 12 or so, my mom cut the cord off the TV because we weren't keeping the rules -- and so I enjoyed a very *rich* teen time frame despite being raised by a single mom, well within poverty level.

I was *rich* in my zeal for living a real life! I wasn't weighed down by expectations put into my brain by watching TV shows or seeing commercials about everything I couldn't afford and being convinced that I needed those things. I had free time to find out what was important to me and then do it!

I rarely felt "left out" when conversations about TV shows seemed irrelevant to my life. In contrast, my friends often felt left out when I described how I spent my time discovering and developing various hobbies, enjoying real-life social fun like impromptu pizza parties, long drives to interesting destinations, and long talks with my on-again-off-again boyfriend (our relationship was not defined by TV's examples). Yes, I still watched TV at friends' houses sometimes -- I wasn't against it altogether -- but those exposures solidified my philosophy that TV's pressurized influence would have greatly clouded my vision, and likely was blinding my peers from seeing their potential.

Nowadays, it's no longer TV alone trying to program our children's behavior and thought processes. It comes through so many screens that cutting one cord wouldn't make much of a difference! How can we help our children navigate this territory that's also new territory to us as parents? Is it really possible and plausible to keep them away from such a pervasive influence -- or is keeping them away the goal anymore? Despite my past that I'm proud of, I'm parenting in extremely different circumstances, and I've determined that the goal is not to avoid screens altogether, but to build the ability to manage screen time effectively, and ultimately flourish with screens.

Our family has a Family Technology Plan that is consistently being reviewed and sometimes revised as we encounter new situations that may not have been covered by previous drafts. As parents, we are straightforward with our children about how screen time (even educational screen time!) can be detrimental to our brains. Yes, we restrict the amount of time, redirecting repeatedly, and with the responsibility placed incrementally more on the child according to their age. Our goal is to help our children develop their own healthy habits, with a strong desire to be actively architecting their own lives rather than just watching someone else's scripted life through a screen.

If you haven't gained a conviction yet of the necessity for parents to be pro-active in their children's journey to safe screen use, please watch this documentary! Yes, the struggle is real, and so worth every effort!

The following is copied and pasted from the YouTube page:

​For the first time in history, mental illness and suicide have become one of the greatest threats to school-aged children. Many parents still view dangers as primarily physical and external, but they’re missing the real danger: kids spending more time online and less time engaging in real life, free play, and autonomy.

What are the effects on the next generation's mental, physical, and spiritual health?

Childhood was more or less unchanged for millennia, but this is CHILDHOOD 2.0. For more resources and to download a community discussion guide and share with your community, please visit: https://bit.ly/32voKpY​.

NOTE: Bark is proud to sponsor the free release of this film because we believe every family should have access to such a crucial, powerful resource.

Run Time: 88 Minutes
A Film by: Jamin Winans, Robert Muratore, and Kiowa Winans
​Music by: Jamin Winans

Discovered by Regan Barnes, ChairMom of the MotherBoard. Beyond discovering it on YouTube, I take no credit! Here are some questions to ponder as you watch:

1) The methods she suggests seem to be rather time consuming. Are you willing (and able?) to commit this kind of time to your child's emotional well-being? This kind of time commitment is one of the reasons Momivate promotes full-time motherhood, with career as a "side dish" or even put off until the children seem grounded.
2) What are some ways you can "parent yourself" and build your own emotional intelligence? Or provide this kind of compassionate parenting to your spouse?
3) Isn't it fun to listen to the Australian accent? Makes me wonder if Australians enjoy listening to American accents?

FROM YOUTUBE:

How did your parents respond to you as a child when you were upset? Can you see the impact of their imprints in your life as an adult? What is the magic ingredient when raising an emotionally intelligent child?

This talk explores all these questions along with how the lack of emotional literacy in our culture has significant power when it comes to the way we parent. It explores how compassion, empathy and mindfulness have a place in raising children – as well as in our education system. If connection, listening, and heart were at the center of every relationship, how different could our world be?

Working with thousands of families for over 16 years as an educator and counselor, Lael has seen the impact that trauma and disconnection have on a family. As an Aware Parenting Instructor, she facilitates workshops and support groups that empower parents to create connections and stronger relationships with their children. She is also the co-creator and Director of Woodline Primary School which is due to open in 2021 – a school based on emotional wellbeing and connection, set on a magnificent 20-acre farm in the Geelong hinterland in Victoria, Australia.

Lael co-hosts The Aware Parenting Podcast, is a regular contributor to several online publications and is a sought-after public speaker who talks candidly about her experiences and her great passion; helping to create wellness in families through connection and communication.

You can find Lael at laelstone.com.au and her school at woodlineprimary.com.au Lael is a birth, parenting and sexuality educator who has worked with thousands of families over 15 years witnessing what lack of connection and attachment can do to relationships and sense of worth. She works one on one with families, runs workshops on birth, parenting and talking to kids about sex and also run pleasure-based sex ed in secondary schools for teens.

​Lael is currently putting all her knowledge and learning into practice as she builds an innovative new primary school in Geelong. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx