By Phyllis Moyes
I recently saw a video that deeply touched my heart. Although it is a story about an incredibly in-tune school teacher, and his ability to see past a child's active temperament, I couldn't help but think about the power of the message as it applies to motherhood. Take a look:
Be a Mr. Jensen
Don't you love that? It is easy to focus on the weaknesses and imperfections in our children, casting labels and stereotypes on them. But our words are potent influences whether we like it or not.
That video reminded me of a book I read years ago called the Secret Life of Water, written by Masaru Emoto, an internationally recognized Japanese researcher, lecturer, and writer. In the book, Emoto experiments with frozen water droplets. Once they reach -25 degrees centigrade, he allows them to begin thawing, and while they are melting, he speaks to them. When the droplet temperature reaches 5 degrees below zero, he looks at the crystals under a microscope, magnified 200x's. Look at these results. Remember, all of these ice crystals come from the same water source, are thawed identically, and are photographed congruently. Like and HateHappiness and unhappinessThank you. You idiot. Thank you. You idiot.
Isn't it incredible that you can see the crystal trying to be both labels (thank you and you idiot) in that last picture? Did you know that water makes up about 70% of the human body, and our language makes us unique from any other species? Can you see how important our choice of words is when interacting with our children? I loved Mr. Jensen's interaction with Clint Pulver, "you're not a problem; I think you're a drummer." Clint Pulver is a successful motivational speaker, actor, and musician, all because someone saw beyond behavior to his heart and gifts.
As mothers, we can have irreplaceable positive influence on our children's lives; let's be Mr. Jensens'!
Here is a link to The Secret Life of Water
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By Phyllis Moyes
Diversity is a buzzword for our day; it should be. Diversity enriches innovation and creativity, cultivates a feeling of just security, and helps every age, gender, race, or culture feel represented. But what if I told you that we (every human) have the same needs at the center of the heart? It's true! It doesn't matter who you are; everyone has Core Needs.
Look at this list. Do any or all of these resonate with your heart?
Basic Core Needs:
When Core Needs go unmet, Primary Emotions are activated. Look at this list and see if you can relate.
Examples of Primary Emotions
Primary Emotions usually set off an avalanche of Secondary Emotions. Can you relate? Examples of Secondary Emotions
Here is a video clip created by BYUiDo.org that explains the concept well. (This video speaks about the Core Needs Model for bettering marriage but it is applicable to any relationship.)
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Can I share an example with you that will help illustrate this idea better? From the time my daughter was in eighth grade and up until she graduated from high school, we had a complicated relationship. (Moms, if your child is in junior high, stop what you are doing now and hug them! Chances are, they need it.) I am grateful for hindsight because I can see the complexity of our relationship clearer now. I didn't have words for it then, but I have since realized that I wasn't angry (Secondary Emotion) with her; I was scared -- a primary emotion that came from my unmet core need for security. She was involved in a rough crowd, and they scared me. I didn't trust that her choices would keep her safe. Further, my core need for a genuine connection with her felt severed so I felt lonely (a primary emotion), which I usually expressed through the secondary emotion of anger.
For an even clearer illustration, pretend that you are hiking with your daughter when suddenly, a grizzly bear begins charging for her. Immediately, your heart starts to race; you are so scared (primary emotion). Fight or flight takes over, and you start charging for the bear, using a secondary emotion of anger. You are a warrior who will stop at nothing to save your daughter!
At that moment, what is the need? Is the need to be angry at the bear? No. The grizzly is an immediate threat to your core need of keeping your daughter safe, so there's a surge of fear (primary emotion), which triggers something inside us to fight; so we become angry and fierce.
My daughter also had unmet core needs. She was desperate for connection and security at home, but every interaction seemed hostile and contentious. Remember, I was in fear mode and expressed it through anger. She wanted to feel independent, have a sense of sovereign power, and feel respected and heard. But I was too busy feeding the worry from my own unmet needs.
Do you see the pattern? It is cyclical. We both had unmet core needs, leading to primary and secondary emotions. I remember the day it changed -- or rather, I changed. I made a conscious effort to have ten positive exchanges for every corrective interaction. Sometimes it was hard because the fear was so great, but when I stepped back and took a breath, I could meet her core needs better. An interesting thing happened; when I met her core needs, mine seemed to follow.
As you engage your teenagers this week, ask yourself, "Which of my core needs are not being met, leading me to feel _____ (angry, anxiety, sadness, irritation, etc.?)"
And please be sure to also ask yourself -- or even your teen directly -- "Which of my child's core needs are not being met, leading them to feel ____." My experience is that once the core needs are met, the emotions and relationship change organically. By Haley Lachnidt, Momivate's Unique Circumstances CouncilMom I asked people who identify with the LGBTQ+ community what they wish their families would or wouldn’t have said when they came out, and these were the responses:
“If my parents would have shown a little bit of support it would have made a world of difference. Instead, they took away all of my possessions that made me happy, they bullied and beat me. Now, they can’t understand why I can’t get close to them. I just wanted to be accepted. Now they tell me they don’t believe I’m really bisexual.” “I wish my mom would have said something, anything at all. I wish my dad would have told me that he still loved me, rather than telling me I was going to fail at every relationship for the rest of my life.” “I wish they didn’t tell me what I was doing is disgusting.” “I just wish my sister wouldn’t have said ‘you just left an abusive relationship, you aren’t gay, it’s just a phase,’ not realizing I’ve been gay my whole life. I just hid my sexuality and forced myself to wear a straight mask in order to survive our family. My parents were the only people that didn’t know, and when I finally got the guts to tell them, my mom couldn’t shut up about how my brother is dating ‘a bisexual’ and how disgusted she is by it. I wish I could hear ‘I just want you to be happy, I love you no matter what.’ I know I will never hear that from my family, so I always make sure I say it to my own son.” “I wish my mom hadn’t acted accepting and then requested I leave my identity at home when she’d invite me over. I wish she had the decency to say what she really wanted to say about it when I came to her the first time, instead of pretending and giving me false hope that I’m still accepted.” “I wish my father hadn’t said I need therapy and would have accepted me along with all of my friends.” “I haven’t told my family. I have known I’m gay since I was 11 years old and I have not told anybody. I did try to tell my mom when I first discovered it, and she questioned me like she didn’t believe me or trust in the fact that I know who I am attracted to. She’d go behind my back talking to my friends about how my taste in men has always been feminine men, but she’d also say it was only a phase. She acted accepting to my face, but I could see in her eyes and in the things she’d say behind my back that she didn't mean it. I’ve hinted it towards the rest of my family but I also listen to the things and the slurs they openly say when talking about the LGBTQ community. I don’t think I will ever tell them. I know if I did I wouldn’t have a family anymore, and that’s the loneliest feeling in the world. I just wish I could have a family, even if they don’t understand it, I wish they would just accept me as their family no matter who I love. I wish I didn’t have to feel like a stranger and an outsider in my own family anymore.” “I wish my dad would’ve started using my chosen name and pronouns. I wish he wouldn’t have made me out to be the bad guy, like me being who I am was causing him pain.” “I have been lucky. My mom has been absolutely lovely. I actually got this text from her the week after I told her. She had bought a decorative pillow with hearts in the shape of a rainbow and told me ‘bought you something, I love you for who you are.’ She asked some questions that you generally shouldn’t ask, but she gets a pass because I want her to ask me anything if it can help her to understand. She’s supportive, it’s just still new to her. I also got a text from my aunt after I spent a weekend with her and told her I have a girlfriend. She essentially said she will always be the leader of my fan club because I’m her girl, I’m me no matter who I love, and that the whole family will always love me for me, no matter what.” LGBTQ youth want nothing more than to be loved and accepted by their family. Family is the most important thing no matter who you love or who someone else in your family loves. When anybody, part of the LGBTQ+ community or not, has family on their side, facing the rest of the world becomes a lot easier than it would be without family. LGBTQ youth face many challenges from the rest of the world. Challenges such as bullying, harassment, discrimination, stalking, and even trouble finding jobs or being allowed to participate in extracurricular activities at school, and the only reason for this hatred is because of who they can’t help but love. With family on their side, the risks LGBTQ youth face as a consequence of harrassment and discrimination such as self-harm, suicide, mental illness, homelessness, and substance abuse can greatly decrease. Hate does not counteract love. Love conquers all. by Meagan Waite of My Discovery Destination ![]() I LOVE summer. I love it when the sun comes up early and wakes me. I love flip flops and shorts. I like to be warm (not hot, but warm). I like warm evenings where I can sit outside and talk with friends and family. I do not care for mosquitos (although they LOVE me), but that is what Avon’s Skin So Soft is for. This time of year, the summer, is when I thrive.
Unfortunately, summer can have the opposite effect on school-age children. Two months of reading skills–and if reading skills slip then everything slips–and more than two and a half months of math skills can be lost over the 12-weeks between the end of one school year and the beginning of another. It takes teachers about six weeks to play catchup in the fall. This phenomenon is somewhat- affectionately called the “summer slide,” or summer learning loss. Additionally, there’s the risk of early childhood death during the extended school break–you know it’s imminent when your children say things like, “I’m so bored I’m going to DIE!” The onset of this fatal disease typically occurs in week two of summer vacation. What is a parent to do? My Discovery Destination! and the Discovery Family Coalition have the antidote for summer doldrums, and it’s called the Summer Passport Program. There are well over 100 fun, flexible, FREE Adventures in the main hub that families can do on their own time. There are also mini-hubs for science, arts & crafts, reading and a special PreK hub. Each of the Adventures have the added benefit of keeping kids' bodies active and minds engaged. Did I mention they are FREE? They are FREE to families because of generous grants from the Bear River Health Department, the Central Utah Public Health Department, and the Davis County Health Department. Completing the Summer Passport Program Adventures comes with REWARDS. Families can earn FREE, fun experiences from multiple Family Reward Event Partners in the grant areas, but the biggest rewards are the benefits that come to your family because you are spending time together. Give your kids a better “shot” at healthy minds and bodies during June, July and August. You cannot hold back the changing of the season. Summer is coming. But, you can avoid the potential retrogression that can accompany it–the Summer Passport Program is the cure. (Momivate is honored to be part of the Discovery Family Coalition along with My Discovery Destination!) By Meagan Waite from the Discovery Family Coalition Dr. Seuss, the beloved children’s author, wrote “Green Eggs and Ham” on a bet. The co-founder of Random House Publishing, Mr. Bennett Cerf, wagered that Seuss couldn’t write a book that had fewer than 50 unique words. Seuss won 50 bucks, and we have a piece of literary art with which one cannot help but rhyme along. If you haven’t read it, you should. It can get you thinking about the relationship between what you believe and what you experience. It can encourage you to think outside the box (no would-nots, could-nots for you!) and try new things. It can give you courage to show resilience in the face of challenges, opposition, and adversity. Yes, reading can do that for you. March is National Reading Month. It has been designated as such in honor of Dr. Seuss’ birthday, March 2. My Discovery Destination! is celebrating. How? With a Discovery Hunt, of course! In fact, we bet YOU that you are going to love this Hunt, and we dare you to try and prove us wrong. Oh the places you’ll go! It’s easy! Download the GooseChase app and search for the Hunt with the name “Oh The Places You’ll Go” (named in honor of Dr. Seuss, as is this article) or with the game code “SEUSS”. You are going to want to get started right away. The Hunt is full of Adventures that are educational. They are fun. And they have the ability to strengthen your family and build resilience in your children. Yes, Discovery Hunts can do that for you. By Momivate's Atmosphere CouncilMom, Annette T. Durfee Snuggled up in my arms, my little grandson stares up at me with his big beautiful innocent eyes. Together we rock back and forth in the overstuffed chair singing song after song and I’m convinced that I love him more every second! As I sing, my mind wanders back to yesteryear when my babies were tiny and I sang song after song to them – hoping to relax them and hush their sleepytime fears. Hoping to instill in them the things I knew were true. Hoping to fill their hearts with the love that I had for them. It’s amazing how magical music can be! Music has a way of touching our hearts and filling our memories with the best things of life. Music was at the heart of the home I grew up in, so naturally, as an adult, I shared it with my children. We sang lilting lullabies and fun children’s sing-along recordings. We also offered xylophones, harmonicas, recorders, and rhythm instruments for the little ones to explore creating their own sounds. As a classical musician, I knew the benefits of classical music: an increased learning capacity, creativity, and self-esteem, to name only a few. Knowing that our children weren’t going to grow up on a farm (like my parents did), we still wanted to teach them hard work, patience, and discipline. We decided to instill these values through formal music lessons! Thus, we became the beneficiaries of practice sessions, morning-noon-and-night! We eagerly attended recitals and concerts galore! Music sweetly and simply lent a soothing atmosphere to our home and even our car, as we traveled to and fro. Music became a parenting friend that would quiet the mayhem of the moment. When life became a little hairy and scary and the decibel level was a little too high, I would nonchalantly pop in a CD of classical music or church hymns (my secret weapons!) and - voila! - an essence of calm and peace would descend! Soon, things would settle down. With a house full of rambunctious kiddos, we found that with a little creativity, there seemed to be a song for every situation that could gently persuade, teach, or motivate. Songs to make diaper changes more pleasant, songs to make hair washing less scary, songs to help children cooperate when it was time to brush their teeth. Sometimes songs distracted us from the mundane and helped to pass the time while we did the dishes or other chores. At bedtime, songs even helped us march up to bed in a happy way! We became a train connecting arms at the shoulders and chugging up the stairs singing, “Choo choo choo, what’s coming down the track?” The person in the lead would “pull the whistle” and up we went. Music was an unseen friend that added joy and spontaneity to our lives at just the right time! Sometimes the music was a toe – tapping “Turkey in the Straw” for a Thanksgiving program! Or the girls would make up choreography to a whimsical children’s song, their fancy dresses swirling in a wide circle. Sometimes a child surprised us with an unsolicited solo of a kindergarten-melody as they stood atop a make-shift stage (aka a chair in the dining room). And impromptu Family Talent Shows gave us rousing marches, emphasized by mini flags in the front room! With littles on the loose, life is more pleasant with a song in your heart. In your home or on the go, music has the power to create a sort of a haven that smooths the creases of chaos and lifts the spirit. So, whether your family chooses to learn an instrument or two, sing at top volume in the shower, or pop in a favorite CD, music is the power to make any moment a happy one! By Esperanza DeLaLuz Being a mother is a thing which changes you forever. Once you make that commitment to a child, it’s the child’s well-being, growth, and happiness that is the most important thing in your world. You’ll go without sleep, go hungry, clean up disgusting substances, labor for hours to create the perfect event or costume, and spend hours and hours repeating activities that would otherwise be incredibly boring. Recently I found myself playing 27 games of Candyland in a row because my 5-year-old granddaughter loves that game and can play it competently. I don’t like Candyland, but I love the excitement on her face when she makes a good move, or the exuberant thrill when she wins. Even the sadness when she has to go backwards is just adorable! Do you know the history of Candyland? An article in the Atlantic recently described it! During the Polio era, before vaccines, there were lots of very young children in hospitals and they were very bored, lonely and unhappy. But many of them were too young to read and unable to play games without adult involvement. In 1948, a retired schoolteacher named Eleanor Abbott decided to create a board game that could become a distraction for very young patients. The outbreak had forced children into extremely restrictive environments. Concerned with the spread of polio, parents kept their children indoors, and children were frustrated. Games like Candy Land became an ideal way to keep them occupied. Children who had contracted polio were isolated, physically weak and often confined by equipment. Candy land was designed to let young children play by themselves. As long as the child can count to 2 and match colors the child can play. Candy Land offered the children confined in hospitals welcome distraction—but it also gave immobilized patients a liberating fantasy of movement. The joy of movement, especially for polio patients, seems to have been integral to Abbott’s design philosophy from the start. The original board even depicts the tentative steps of a boy in a leg brace! The game teaches pattern recognition and following instructions. It shows children how to play together—how to win humbly or lose graciously. The game is designed to be outgrown. As soon as a child realizes that there is nothing that, they can do to alter the course of the game, they begin to desire more challenging entertainments. But there will always be young children who need a game that they can play, and Moms and Nannas who will play 27 games in a row for the pure joy of watching a child play. READ the whole history here: https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2019/07/how-polio-inspired-the-creation-of-candy-land/594424/ By Diana Duke, Secretary on Momivate's MotherBoard They say that patience is a virtue. Sometimes I wonder if it's a virtue I once mastered and then lost somewhere along the way. I think back to a time before I was a mother, when I had all of the patience in the world. I worked at a group home for children with disabilities and quickly found how much I loved it. As time moved on, I started a family and found myself venturing into other fields. However, at the top of my priorities was being a mother to my children. I had an amazing husband and, although we had our struggles, life was good. I wish I’d had more time to be the wife I always wanted to be, but things took a turn for the worse and I found myself widowed at thirty-one. I completely fell apart for a while. I lost my sense of self, and that patience I’d had was now something that I was searching for. I feel that it is something I am really struggling with, yet all of the time everyone around me is telling me, “You have so much patience—I don't know how you do it!” I am constantly being told what a good mother I am and, though I am grateful for their kind comments, it leads me to wonder who I am. I don't feel patient. I don't feel so wonderful all the time. I think we as mothers are often our own hardest critics. However, I am pretty competitive, so I have to believe that the bar that I set long ago for myself has to be attainable or I wouldn't have set it in the first place. I want to be happy, and I want my children to be happy. I find that getting back to the basics makes life so much easier. Being patient with ourselves, patient with our children, and being patient with those around us makes us kinder and more gentle. I know that it can be hard when you don't know where to start. But you just have to start where you are. So that is what I'm doing--jumping in and starting where I am. Even as I write this, I have found myself worrying; not knowing what to write about; stressing out that nobody wants to hear about my chaotic struggles. But we are human and we all have our own challenges. We need to be patient with ourselves. Right now one of my challenges is the never-ending laundry pile--I never get to cross it off my to-do list, so I never get the satisfaction of completion. However, what I can do is set a goal for how many loads I can do today. That way I am able to cross something off my to-do list with satisfaction. I can go on and on about the steps I have to take to be patient with myself. We are all different; what works for me isn't going to work for everyone else. But each of us can do something to quiet those negative, self-defeating thoughts in our heads. What are some things you can do to be patient with yourself?
My twin daughters are in a kickboxing class at the local community college and this video was assigned to them as homework. It struck me as so simple that it is well worth the couple of minutes to review information we likely are already aware of but need continual reminders about. Moms, this is what we do -- we are the reminders, the repeaters, the consistent, kind, and friendly reviewers and encouragers!
From the YouTube Description: Wellness means overall well-being. It includes the emotional, environmental, financial, intellectual, occupational, physical, social, and spiritual aspects of a person’s life. Incorporating aspects of the Eight Dimensions of Wellness, such as choosing healthy foods, forming strong relationships, and exercising often, into everyday habits can help people live longer and improve quality of life. The Eight Dimensions of Wellness may also help people better manage their condition and experience recovery. This short animated video explores the Eight Dimensions of Wellness and helps people understand the practical strategies and ways they can begin developing healthy habits that can have a positive impact on their physical and mental health. To learn more about SAMHSA’s Wellness Initiative, click here. ![]() Some houses try to hide the fact That children shelter there. Ours boasts it quiet openly, The signs are everywhere... For smears on the windows, Little smudges on the doors. I should apologize, I guess, For toys strewn on the floor. But I sat down with the children, And we played and laughed and read, And if the doorbell doesn’t shine, Their eyes will shine instead. For when at times I'm forced to choose: The one job or the other, I’d like to cook, and clean, and scrub... But first I’ll be a MOTHER. Author Unknown Too often we are scared. Scared of what we might not be able to do. Scared of what people might think if we tried. We let our FEARS stand in the way of our HOPES. We say "no" when we want to say "yes." We sit quietly when we want to scream. And we shout with the others, when we should keep our mouths shut. WHY? after all, we do only go around once. SO STOP. Try something you've never tried. RISK IT. Enter a triathlon. Write a letter to the editor. Demand a raise. Call winners at the toughest court. Throw away your television. Bicycle across the United States. Try bobsledding. Try anything. Speak out against the designated hitter. Travel to a country where you don't speak the language. Patent something. Call him. You have nothing to lose. And everything EVERYTHING EVERYTHING to gain. JUST DO IT. ![]() In each passing mortal hour All around me there is need, There are hearts that yearn and tears that fall And hungry souls to feed. I must seek the Spirit's wisdom, Learn compassion's gentle art, For I cannot give with empty hands Nor love with barren heart. If I would bear my brother's burden, If I would share my sister's grief, Extend the hand of sweet compassion, Offer the weary ones relief, If I would ease the thirst of strangers, And serve His children heart and hand, I must drink of Heaven's wells o'erflowing, I must learn to fill the well within. I will serve my Savior gladly, Seek his little lambs who stray; But if I would lead them safely home, I must know the way. I must seek for understanding That I may teach His children well, If I seek to fill the soul athirst, I must first be filled. That I may bear my brother's burden, That I may share my sister's grief, Extend the hand of sweet compassion, Offer the weary ones relief, That I may ease the thirst of strangers, And serve His children heart and hand, I must drink of Heaven's wells o'erflowing, I must learn to fill the well within. By Sally DeFord ![]() I have enjoyed the privilege of being a mother to over a dozen foreign exchange students over the years! My Hindu son from India openly and enthusiastically shared his religion with our family. Some of the stories are quite meaningful -- I've included one below. After reading it, consider how this perspective might influence how we treat ourselves? Our husbands? Our children? It gives depth to our relationships when we believe in the dignity and potential of each individual. At one time, all men on earth were gods. But they so sinned and abused the divine powers that Brahma, the god of all gods, decided that the godhead should be taken away from man and hidden some place where man would never find it to abuse it again. "We will bury it deep into earth," said the other gods. "No," said Brahma, "because man will dig down in the earth and find it." "Then we will sink it into the deepest ocean," they said. "No," said Brahma, "because man will learn to dive and find it there, too." "We will hide it on the highest mountain," they said. "No," said Brahma, "because man will some day climb every mountain of the earth and again capture the godhead." "Then where can we hide it where man cannot find it?" said the lesser gods. "I will tell you, said Brahma. "Hide it down in man himself. He will never think to look for it there." Being empathic -- able to feel the emotions of others -- can be a gift, showing compassion and wanting to ease sadness. It might also be stressful, since the other person is the one in charge of whether their complex emotions get resolved in healthy ways or not. Being able to "LET GO" is a skill that empaths must learn and practice! But what does it mean? In high school, I took a class called Peer Facilitation, and it taught us how to keep ourselves emotionally level while reaching out to those who were off kilter. Here is one of the handouts from that class, which I've kept almost 30 years! It describes both what "LET GO" is AND what it is NOT. May it help you in your journey as a mother, definitely a position of empathy! Also, a position with the temptation to try to control another person. Gaining this perspective, this ability to LET GO will make motherhood a much more enjoyable journey -- full of love instead of fear. ![]() To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else. To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I can't control another. To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself. To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about. To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive. To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcome, but to allow others to effect their own destinies. To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality. To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept. To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it. To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To "let go" is to fear less and love more. Author unknown ![]()
Blessings on the hand of women! Angels guard its strength and grace. In the palace, cottage, hovel, Oh, no matter where the place; Would that never storms assailed it, Rainbows ever gently curled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. Infancy's the tender fountain, Power may with beauty flow, Mothers first to guide the streamlets, From them souls unresting grow -- Grow on for the good or evil, Sunshine streamed or evil hurled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. Woman, how divine your mission, Here upon our natal sod; Keep – oh, keep the young heart open Always to the breath of God! All true trophies of the ages Are from mother-love impearled, For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. Blessings on the hand of women! Fathers, sons, and daughters cry, And the sacred song is mingled With the worship in the sky -- Mingles where no tempest darkens, Rainbows evermore are hurled; For the hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. The Mom in the Mirror
When you get what you want in your struggle for self And the world makes you queen for a day, Just go to the mirror and look at yourself And see what *that* mom has to say. For it isn’t your facebook or instagram likes Whose judgement upon you must pass. The woman whose verdict counts most in your life Is the one staring back from the glass. Some people may see all your beautiful posts And think you’re free from all wrongs. But the mom in the glass knows about the burnt toast, And the flats and the sharps in your songs. She’s the woman to please - never mind all the rest, For she’s with you (and your kids) to the end. And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test If the mom in the glass is your friend. You don’t need to convince the whole instagram crowd That they’ll never know anyone dearer. Adore your imperfect self and be proud To love that real mom in the mirror. For when you accept that perfection you lack And pursue simple progress instead, You offer yourself the best kind of feedback And happier feelings are spread. Other moms need to know that your struggles are real And how optimism can play A critical role in how you manage and deal With life’s topsy turvy melee. No need to complain, no need to hold back Let authenticity be your goal And the mom in the mirror will share her life hack: “Be true to the mom in your soul!” Many years ago, this little essay was included in the newsletter at the School for the Deaf in Washington State. The author was listed as Carol Turkington. I'm not sure how it came to be included in my pile of papers, but whenever I would thin them out, this one would get saved. May her message help you as you adjust to whatever Holland-type situation your baby has brought you too.
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like you're planning a vacation to Italy. You're all excited. You get a whole bunch of guidebooks, you learn a few phrases so you can get around, and then it comes time to pack your bags and head for the airport. Only when you land, the stewardess says, ‘Welcome to Holland.” You look at one another in disbelief and shock, saying “Holland? What are you talking about? I signed up for Italy!” But they explain there’s been a change of plans and that you've landed in Holland and there you must stay. “But I don’t know anything about Holland!” you say. "I don’t want to stay!” But stay you do. You go out and buy some new guidebooks, you learn some new phrases and you meet people you never knew existed. The important thing is that you are not in a slum full of pestilence and famine. You're simply in a different place that you had planned. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy, but after you've been there a little while and you have a chance to catch your breath, you begin to discover that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland has Rembrandts. But everyone else you know is busy coming and going from Italy. They're all bragging about what a great time they had there and for the rest of your life, you’ll say, “Yes, that’s what I had planned.” The pain of that will never, ever go away. You have to accept that pain, because the loss of that dream, the loss of that plan, is a very, very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to go to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, very lovely things about Holland. The Weaver
My life is but a weaving Between my God and me. I cannot choose the colors He weaveth steadily. Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow; And I in foolish pride Forget He sees the upper And I the underside. Not ’til the loom is silent And the shuttles cease to fly Will God unroll the canvas And reveal the reason why. The dark threads are as needful In the weaver’s skillful hand As the threads of gold and silver In the pattern He has planned. He knows, He loves, He cares; Nothing this truth can dim. He gives the very best to those Who leave the choice to Him. By Grant Colfax Tullar By Elisabeth Balderree, former Director of Music, Inspiration, and Laughter ![]() My son and I have a unique way we communicate with each other. I call it a pass-along book, and it’s a little bit of magic in our relationship. I don’t remember how the idea of the little pass-along book began, but it’s something that connects my son and me together in a simple, yet meaningful way. He will write a question for me in it, or tell me something funny or important to him, then he’ll leave it on my nightstand. When I find it, I’ll write my reply, and then leave it on his desk. Sometimes I’ll ask if he wants to play a game, color or draw, or I’ll ask a specific question about his day or what’s on his mind. Other times, I’ll give him a sincere compliment. He writes similar things to me. Maybe we will write in this one little notebook, or perhaps it will turn into years of passing notebooks back and forth. In some ways, it’s like a small journal for just the two of us, capturing moments in time. Although it may seem rather ordinary, it is very meaningful. Creating this unique, yet simple avenue for communication is important to me, because he knows he can come to me with questions, thoughts, concerns or anything else on his mind. I know this little book has strengthened our relationship, and, to me, that makes this little two dollar notebook priceless. Photos by Elisabeth Balderree
This post was authored by the SlumberYard Team and donated as content for our blog to help mothers of children with autism! ![]() Coronavirus has had an enormous impact on all Americans’ sleep habits, but COVID-19 has been especially hard on children with autism who already deal with sleep-related issues. It’s an especially critical issue because a new 2020 CDC report analyzing 2016 school data shows that autism is on the rise. The biennial update reports that one in 54 children is diagnosed with autism by age eight, up almost 10% from 2014. “The world of autism has changed considerably since we were founded in 2005 when the estimated prevalence was 1 in 166,” says Autism Speaks President and Chief Executive Officer Angela Geiger. Living with autism has its challenges, but life is made considerably more challenging when one isn’t armed with the sleep the body needs to function properly. “Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) are at an increased risk for sleep disturbances, and studies indicate that between 50% and 80% of children with ASD experience sleep problems,” says Dr. Rashmi Byakodi, a health and wellness writer and editor of Best for Nutrition. “It is also reported that sleep disturbances may increase behavioral problems in these kids.” Children with autism have trouble with concentration, making it challenging to hold a conversation, make extended eye contact or keep still. They are easily distracted and prone to repetitive movements, making it hard to concentrate and focus. Children with autism are also prone to compulsive behaviors and may have delayed development when it comes to language or learning skills. Autism can also have a significant impact on sleep patterns. How Autism Affects Your Child’s SleepAs a developmental disorder, autism attacks both a child’s behavior and the ability to communicate. Researchers aren’t sure exactly what causes autism, but several theories relate to environmental and genetic factors. Regardless, as a spectrum disorder, the effects of autism can be different from person to person. New studies also show that sleep problems begin in infancy for children with autism, creating harmful sleep habits that carry on through later years. By preschool, nearly 80% of children with autism have sleep-related issues. Researchers identified higher growth within the brain’s hippocampus from six to 24 months of age, affecting its memory capabilities. This can have a significant impact on a child’s ability to sleep. When the sun goes down and the house grows still, a child’s brain can sometimes be too hyperactive for sleep, making for a long and stressful night for both parent and child alike. “Sleep issues in Autism are extremely common,” says Suman Chatterji, Founder and Editor of Good Health Corner. He is a special needs father and self-professed biohacker, mental health champion and researcher. “Being a father of a special need’s child, I live this on a daily basis. Autism is a very complex puzzle, and we all need to understand that there are some significant underlying biochemical imbalances associated with this diagnosis. Had there been no such imbalance, you would have had no Autism.” Children can experience several different issues when it comes to their sleep.
The consequences can range from moderate to severe. The effects of poor sleep on autism include:
A licensed social worker, Sharon O’Connor specializes in neurodiversity and anxiety at Choosing Therapy. She explains: “When Autistic kiddos aren’t able to get the sleep they need, we might see more difficulty with self-regulation or sensory issues that seem more pronounced, because these elements become so much more difficult to manage when we’re sleep-deprived. We might also see a temporary loss of some skills – speaking or communicating might become more difficult, and a task previously done independently, like tying shoes, might now require support.” For a child with autism, that inability can be enormously frustrating, but it’s more common than you might think. How Common Are Sleep Disorders In Children With AutismAutism Speaks reports that as many as 80% of children with autism experience sleep problems or sleep disorders. As many as four in five children suffer from one or multiple chronic sleep problems. Studies suggest that a change in brain structure is what affects sleep problems associated with childhood autism. While the average person spends about 23% of rest in the rapid eye movement (REM) stage, autistic children only spend about 15% in REM sleep in comparison. It means that sleep is far less restorative for an autistic child than it is for other children. Many medications contain stimulants, which can keep children awake at night. Medications for ADHD are one typical example of insomnia-inducing sleep conditions. Sleep issues in autistic children can have other repercussions, such as:
“From experience, the gut plays a significant role in sleep issues,” says Chatterji of Good Health Corner. “Most of the kids on the autism spectrum have an amount of gut dysbiosis, which results in various behavioral issues, including sleep. Conditions like SIBO, Leaky Gut or general inflammation of the gut can lead to pain, acid reflux, yeast overgrowth or growth of opportunistic and pathogenic organisms, which can cause havoc in a small body.” That’s complicated enough, but about 95% of children with autism also have another co-occurring condition. Autism-Related Behaviors Condition ------ Prevalence Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) ------ 53% Anxiety ------ 51% Depression ------ 25% Even more concerning, at least 60% of children with autism live with two other related conditions, such as seizures, intellectual disabilities and gastrointestinal problems. Sleep issues are also widespread, but unlike the other conditions, they are easily treatable. First, though, that requires a diagnosis, and that’s not always so easy to receive. Issues with DiagnosisThe CDC reports that screenings for autism are also increasing, with developmental screenings rising from 74% to 84% by the age of three. However, there’s an enormous disparity in the diagnosis between boys and girls, with boys four times as likely to be diagnosed with autism than girls. While one in 34 boys is identified with autism, only one in 144 girls was found to be affected. There are other problems with the diagnosis of autism. Although autism can be detected as early as two years of age, most children are not diagnosed until after the age of four. There is also a lack of diagnosis amongst minority children, leaving them grossly underrepresented. The earlier autism is detected, the sooner that medical professionals, parents and caregivers can begin to introduce sleep-forming habits that will reinforce better rest from a younger age. How To Cope With Sleep Disorders In Children With ASDCOVID-19 has had a phenomenal impact on children with autism, disrupting already sensitive sleep schedules and further heightening the anxiety they feel daily. “Anxiety is a common element of the autistic experience to begin with,” explains O’Connor. “Throw in a global pandemic and tons of upheaval and unpredictability, and it can increase that anxiety exponentially. Anxiety can adversely affect our ability to fall asleep, as well as our quality of sleep.” She continues, “Times of major stress or change can lead to autistic burnout, when an autistic person may find themselves exhausted, with a temporary loss of certain skills. During these times, rest is so hugely important for recovery.” Every child is unique and reacts to stress differently, so parents and caregivers should be patient and open to creativity in their sleep strategies. Despite your child’s autism, there are still ways for your child to sleep longer and more soundly each night. Optimize Your Child’s Sleep SettingThese are some tips that you can use in your home to help your child sleep better. Check-in Children may not always know how or why to express their trouble sleeping, so parents should take the initiative to regularly check-in and talk to their children about how they are sleeping. Avoid upsetting material In the hours before bed, make sure that your child avoids watching any TV, videos or games that may be disturbing. Consider medical treatment Sometimes, underlying issues are affecting a child’s medical or psychiatric well-being. Your child may be able to benefit from additional help through therapy or medication. This is especially recommended when a child experiences sleep apnea, sleepwalking, sleep terrors or restless legs syndrome. For children who are already being treated by medication, they could benefit from either an increase or change in medication or even behavioral therapy. Adjust the thermostat Science shows that cooler air is optimal for sleep, so watch the temperature in your child’s bedroom. Sleep experts recommend temperatures between 65° and 67° F in the bedroom. If your child tends to sleep without blankets or runs hot during sleep, adjust the temperature accordingly. Restrict bedroom activities It’s easy for games and toys to accumulate in your child’s bedroom, but that can be counter-effective when it comes to bedtime. Instead, keep all activities out of the bedroom, so it’s an area solely reserved for sleep. Your child’s brain will learn to associate the bedroom with sleep, automatically winding down instead of revving up for TV or games. If there are electronics or toys in the bedroom, keep them stored in a closed container so your child won’t be tempted to use them at the wrong time. Avoid screen time after 5 pm, so blue lights and LEDs do not keep your child up at night. Chatterji, from Good Health Corner, explains that “stopping exposure to blue light or any iPad and television before bedtime helps in the production of melatonin.” Use the S.L.E.P. method This stands for Sleep, Learning, Eating and Play. Organize your room in such a way that there are designated areas for each time of the day. A desk in the learning corner and toys in another can help the brain reinforce the different parts of each day. Consider a redesign Children with autism live in a constant state of arousal, which can also have severe physical impacts on the body. To help eliminate this added stress and anxiety, reconsider their bedroom hygiene. Get rid of any overstimulating elements within the room and remove any blinking lights, humming machines or tangles of wires that can all prove visually distracting at bedtime. Instead, use colors, textures and furnishings that both calm and soothe. Skip the reds, oranges, yellows, and whites, and instead opt for colors that evoke relaxation, such as blues, greens, purples, browns and black. Invest in a new mattress that makes the bed a more comfortable place. {NOTE: This content was provided by a company that reviews and sells mattresses. They may earn a commission if you purchase through their website, but Momivate does not.} Plants and essential oils can also help set the stage for sleep. Chatterji adds that “essential oils like lavender helps with sleep. The compound linalool in lavender works as a mild sedative. Using Magnesium oil rubs and melatonin supplement 30 mins before bedtime helps as well.” Daily Habits That Encourage SleepThere are also some daily habits that you can use to encourage a better sleep quality each night. Exercise Exercise is one of the best natural ways to prepare the body for rest each night. Autism Speaks shares that children who exercise during the day tend to fall asleep faster and benefit from a more profound slumber. Keep in mind that exercising too close to bedtime could have the opposite effect, so try to schedule the physical activity for mornings or early afternoons. Encourage independence As much as children love to cuddle up to their parents, it’s also important that kids with autism learn the skill of independence. Your child needs to learn how to fall asleep alone, and creating a soothing bedroom atmosphere can make your child feel safe enough to fall – and stay – asleep. Watch the naps Naps can interfere with your child’s sleep at night. Though helpful for young preschool-aged children, naps should be kept at earlier times in the day and away from bedtime so your child won’t stay up all night. Avoid caffeine Caffeine is a popular stimulant that can keep your children awake all night. In addition to sodas and coffee, caffeine is also found in tea and chocolate. Caffeine can stay in the body anywhere from three to 12 hours after consumption. Bedtime Routine A bedtime routine is especially helpful for children with autism who have trouble sleeping at night. It helps to provide predictability and consistency in a world that feels largely out of their control. Inconsistent sleep routines can also be a deterrent to healthy sleep. When a child does not have regular bedtimes and wake-up times, it can be hard for the body to know when to rest. For children with autism, bedtimes and wake-up times should be kept to the same times as possible to train the body to relax. Be sure to maintain this same wake-up and sleep times, even on the weekends and vacations. “Having a fixed sleeping routine and time helps children. For example, having an Epsom salt foot bath, followed by lights off at 8 pm,” shares Chatterji. It is also helpful to maintain the same routine throughout the day, with regular mealtimes and nap times, if necessary. “I recommend doing a nighttime ritual before bed and sticking to a fixed sleeping schedule,” advises Stephen Light, a Certified Sleep Science Coach and co-owner of Nolah Mattress. “After the autistic child becomes accustomed to the routine, their body immediately knows to slowly transition to sleep mode when they do their nightly routine. In this scenario, sleeping time is easier since they associate a particular activity with bedtime.” Sleep ToolkitMuch of our SlumberYard guide takes a proactive approach to your child’s sleep, but there are both active and reactive tools that you can employ to help your child adopt healthier sleep habits that last a lifetime.
Our Sleep Kit is designed to instill a sense of security, control, and peace within your child so sleep comes much easier each night. Children with autism can develop the proper routines and tools to empower them in their daily life, benefitting both child and parent alike. Children living with ASD experience much higher stress levels than the average child, surrounded as they are by a world of constant stimulants. Having healthy ways to cope with this stress helps sleep and prepares children for a life with autism. Our SlumberYard team understands that changes in routine can be difficult for anyone, especially for a child with autism. In an effort to make this resource accessible to all children, we’ve provided printable templates families can begin using tonight to co-create their child’s very own personalized bedtime routine. Creating a bedtime routine is a fun activity that can involve the whole family while arming your child with a renewed sense of independence and control during this adjustment period toward healthier sleep. Simply print the routine templates, below, and allow your child to begin creating their own routine with the tiles provided, or use the blank tiles for more personalized routine elements. To download the free templates, and read the rest of this article, please go to: https://myslumberyard.com/blog/autism-and-sleep-empowering-children-with-asd-for-better-sleep/ Please note that this organization is not connected to Momivate other than providing this content to our blog. Momivate does not endorse their products nor do we receive compensation if you purchase products through their website. We're grateful for their contribution to our blog and hope you find that it empowers you to elevate your mothering experience!
Are you convinced that screens are hurting our children's brains?
I am. Not just in theory but based on personal experience! Maybe not the way you think -- my case is a counter-example. When I was 12 or so, my mom cut the cord off the TV because we weren't keeping the rules -- and so I enjoyed a very *rich* teen time frame despite being raised by a single mom, well within poverty level. I was *rich* in my zeal for living a real life! I wasn't weighed down by expectations put into my brain by watching TV shows or seeing commercials about everything I couldn't afford and being convinced that I needed those things. I had free time to find out what was important to me and then do it! I rarely felt "left out" when conversations about TV shows seemed irrelevant to my life. In contrast, my friends often felt left out when I described how I spent my time discovering and developing various hobbies, enjoying real-life social fun like impromptu pizza parties, long drives to interesting destinations, and long talks with my on-again-off-again boyfriend (our relationship was not defined by TV's examples). Yes, I still watched TV at friends' houses sometimes -- I wasn't against it altogether -- but those exposures solidified my philosophy that TV's pressurized influence would have greatly clouded my vision, and likely was blinding my peers from seeing their potential. Nowadays, it's no longer TV alone trying to program our children's behavior and thought processes. It comes through so many screens that cutting one cord wouldn't make much of a difference! How can we help our children navigate this territory that's also new territory to us as parents? Is it really possible and plausible to keep them away from such a pervasive influence -- or is keeping them away the goal anymore? Despite my past that I'm proud of, I'm parenting in extremely different circumstances, and I've determined that the goal is not to avoid screens altogether, but to build the ability to manage screen time effectively, and ultimately flourish with screens. Our family has a Family Technology Plan that is consistently being reviewed and sometimes revised as we encounter new situations that may not have been covered by previous drafts. As parents, we are straightforward with our children about how screen time (even educational screen time!) can be detrimental to our brains. Yes, we restrict the amount of time, redirecting repeatedly, and with the responsibility placed incrementally more on the child according to their age. Our goal is to help our children develop their own healthy habits, with a strong desire to be actively architecting their own lives rather than just watching someone else's scripted life through a screen. If you haven't gained a conviction yet of the necessity for parents to be pro-active in their children's journey to safe screen use, please watch this documentary! Yes, the struggle is real, and so worth every effort!
The following is copied and pasted from the YouTube page:
For the first time in history, mental illness and suicide have become one of the greatest threats to school-aged children. Many parents still view dangers as primarily physical and external, but they’re missing the real danger: kids spending more time online and less time engaging in real life, free play, and autonomy. What are the effects on the next generation's mental, physical, and spiritual health? Childhood was more or less unchanged for millennia, but this is CHILDHOOD 2.0. For more resources and to download a community discussion guide and share with your community, please visit: https://bit.ly/32voKpY. NOTE: Bark is proud to sponsor the free release of this film because we believe every family should have access to such a crucial, powerful resource. Run Time: 88 Minutes A Film by: Jamin Winans, Robert Muratore, and Kiowa Winans Music by: Jamin Winans By Kandis Lake, RN, BSN, guest blog post contributer. Learning your child has cancer or another life-changing illness is probably every parent’s worst nightmare. While the medical advances to treat these life-changing diagnoses have never been better, it is still a very taxing experience for any family. Ways to navigate such a trying and difficult situation can include learning all you can about your child’s sickness, leaning on outside support, and knowing ways you can help your child and family cope.
Learning About Your Child’s Sickness Any good healthcare provider will provide you with ample education surrounding your child’s sickness, and what the sickness will mean for your child and your family. Don’t hesitate to ask questions, ask doctors to clarify meanings, and repeat what you hear to ensure you understand the information being given you. If you are not in a good headspace to understand what you’re being told, it’s a good idea to ask if you can be given the information at a better time. It is also a good idea to have another family member or support person receive the education with you, so you can both learn together and help each other remember and understand in times ahead. If you get home and think about something you need clarified, you can always reach out to your child’s healthcare provider to ask questions or get more information. Study any materials your child’s healthcare providers have given you or resources they have suggested. Seek out reputable sources for further information. The American Cancer Society has a lot of information online about all types of cancers. Advocate for yourself and your family to ensure you understand what you need to, and can feel empowered moving forward. Take Care of Yourself and Get Outside Help Be sure to take care of yourself so that you can handle your difficult situation in the best way possible. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your child. If your child is staying in the hospital, take advantage of working with a social worker and case manager to ensure you and your child are provided with everything you will need when you go home. Many hospitals have a chaplain whose job is to help patients and families care for their spiritual needs. If your child is being cared for at home, take regular breaks by setting up respite care (when a healthcare professional, such as a nurse, temporarily cares for a patient at the patient’s home). Accept your feelings about the situation you are in without judgement. Talk to a friend, family member, or counselor about the difficulties you are facing, or write your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Talking and writing can help you process your experiences and help you better cope. There are online support groups for a wide variety of situations and illnesses. An online group could connect you to other parents or caregivers who are going through something similar. If you have other children, seek a balance of personally caring for them and asking for help to care for them as well. This could be a very difficult time for them and they will need help and support through it. You will likely need help caring for them while your child is sick. Utilize any church or community support available. Don’t be afraid to ask for help during such a difficult time for your family. It can be hard to ask for and accept help, but doing so is in your child’s best interest, as well as your own. The less stress you feel in regard to all aspects of your life, the more energy and focus you can put into supporting and bonding with your child when he needs you. Cheryl Harris’s son was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia when he was two and a half years old. Cheryl said, “Almost more than the sleepless nights and endless tears during that time, I remember the amazing, wonderful good people who showed up for us.” She describes friends, family, and hospital staff giving immense support. Her own parents drove across the country to help, and her mother stayed with them for six whole months. They had friends that brought gifts for her child, and others offered to watch her one-year-old since Cheryl was so frequently at the hospital and at appointments. Friends and family who didn’t live near them sent the family frequent words of comfort and love. Many people also find strength and support in spirituality or religion. Faith or spirituality can be very helpful in coping for some. Cheryl remarked about her faith, “I am so grateful for the gospel and the knowledge of God's plan during that time. I knew no matter what may happen, everything would be okay.” Helping and supporting your child The most important thing you can be doing at this time is helping your child. You will best accomplish this by taking breaks and accepting help yourself, as discussed above. Take time to address your child’s concerns and answer his questions. Speak to him about what is happening in a way that is appropriate for his age and level of understanding. The American Cancer Society has some great advice for communicating in age-appropriate ways here. When asked how she helped her young son, Cheryl said, “I prayed for and tried to have an abundance of patience and stamina. That was absolutely necessary. I cleared my schedule and dedicated my life to comforting him in any way I could.” Your child will likely feel a range of emotions as he lives with his illness, as well as because many aspects of normal life are altered because of it. Be a safe space for your child to express thoughts and feelings, free from any judgement or shame. Resist the urge to try to change those feelings. Every time your child has difficult feelings, it gives you the opportunity to strengthen your relationship through supporting him. Having a strong and secure relationship with your child will in turn help him build resilience and confidence, and also give him the tools to navigate difficult feelings in the future. Cheryl kept a blog during her son’s battle with cancer. One story illustrates the need children have for their parents: “He woke up once while they were taking his vitals and was in pain. His little body tensed up and I could tell it hurt when I moved him. He asked to ‘give Mommy hugs,’ which means to hold him chest to chest, bear-hug style, but when I picked him up he was so rigid and stiff and couldn't relax. I called for more pain meds. I asked him where it hurt and all he said was, ‘Mommy kiss it better.’ He's said that a lot the past few days. That has been the hardest part for me.” Helping your child cope with stress, navigate difficult emotions, and express himself could prove to be extremely difficult, especially if you haven’t had a lot of experience with healthy coping and emotional expression yourself. A child life specialist (often employed at pediatric hospitals) or a counselor can help you and your child with this. Recognize things that comfort your child. It may be a pacifier, blanket, special toy, or favorite book or movie. Whatever comfort object there might be, allow your child to have it readily available. Be sure hospital staff and any other caregivers know ways your child likes to be comforted. Like Cheryl with her son, be there to comfort him yourself as much as possible. It can also be important to try to incorporate some routine and normalcy into your child’s life. This can include doing schoolwork, socializing with family and friends, playing and being silly, and having some routine to his care. Let your child take opportunities to enjoy being a kid. Find ways for your child to maintain sibling and family relationships. Conclusion The ways you can help your child with illness as his mother is monumental. You and your family will be empowered through learning and understanding as much about the illness as you can. As you take care of yourself and to seek and accept help from others, you will better be able to care for your child and be there for them. You can play an important, unmatched role of providing support and comfort to your child during this very difficult time. Cheryl’s advice to other moms who experience something similar is “Let people help you. Take care of yourself. Let things go that don't matter. Count your blessings along the way and recognize and appreciate the beauty of all those who are trying to help. It will lift you.” Cheryl’s son received cancer treatments for five years. He is now a healthy, thriving eleven-year-old. For more information see: cancer.org/latest-news/caring-for-children-with-cancer.html https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/coping/caregiver-support/parents Kandis Lake, the author, is a professional health writer and can be found at www.healthwriterkandis.com Regan Barnes, Momivate's ChairMom of the MotherBoard, shares her insights on hugs and random thoughts about hugs that she's gathered over the years. As I was growing up, hugging didn't happen much in my family. My mom had been molested by her step-father, so her subconscious reaction was to respect her children's personal space, to the point where we just didn't hug. Then my older sister learned in a college class about the importance of hugging and how this physical act has many benefits—even psychologically! So she started hugging. She put up a "Free Hugs" sign in her dormitory. And when she came home for the holidays, she would hug us, somewhat awkwardly, convinced that she could change our family's ways so we could all gain the promised blessings of embracing. Of course, hugging is best when it's a two-way thing, so most of us hugged her back, playing along. If she patted us on the back during the hug, we would emit a burp as though we were babies who had swallowed air while feeding. I'm glad she got us started hugging because I married into a hugging family (though they don't appreciate the fake burps).
Hugging still isn't second nature to me, I admit. "Hug the kids more" has been a New Year’s resolution for me more than once. Gradually I've learned to hug more freely and commonly, and recognize the power hugging has in making a relationship whole. Since I've experienced both the hugging and the non-hugging life, I feel authorized to declare that it is definitely better to hug than not to hug. Over twenty years ago, I received an email that listed some facts about hugs. I don't have a source to give credit to, and for that, I apologize. It was back in the days of chain letters that claimed a curse would come upon you if you didn't pass it along to all the contacts in your address book. This particular email assured the recipient: "You are under NO obligation to forward this electronic hug. For once, NO bad luck will befall you if you don’t want to or don’t have time to keep this moving . . ." Then came this list of reasons that hugs are so great!
NEVER WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW TO HUG SOMEONE TODAY! You could copy and paste this onto your Facebook feed or send it through Instagram to all your followers. E-hugs just might be more necessary now than before coronavirus demanded all of us to socially distance. But please, please, also put down your device, and use your hands to close the physical and emotional distance in your home and give real hugs to your husband and children! There can never be too much hugging in the world, and the world is made up of our homes. Written by Alana Hutchins, Momivate's Director of Energy: Eating, Exercise, and Sleep Ahhhhhh, it is finally 10:00pm, and time to sleep. Isn’t this how we feel most days dragging ourselves into bed and crawling in between our nice soft covers. We look forward to drifting off peacefully into a rejuvenating slumber that oscillates between soothing dreams and deep-sleep oblivion? Or at least that’s how it would work in the ideal world. Often, the cadence of our slow breathing is interrupted by the sharp cry of an infant or the wail of an unhappy two-year-old. BAHH! Not again! I’m too tired to get out of bed, it’s your turn, honey. Alas, waking up with children is part and parcel of the whole parenting deal. Even if waking up with small things is part of the deal. It is not always ideal for getting a good night’s rest, but falling asleep and sleeping through the night is a skill that has to be learned just like any other activity of daily living. What about those nights when there is no baby to blame and we still sleep terribly? When the red alarm clock taunts us from the nightstand with yet another hour lost and gone to the void of could-have-been-sleeping, when instead of dreaming we are simply lying there wishing we were sleeping. Around midnight, wishing turns to stressing and all hopes of a being chipper tomorrow evaporate all together. We are happier and healthier when we are well rested—that is all there is to it. Here are some reasons why:
Tips and Tricks for women who want to be pro sleepers:
Tips and Tricks to help children become pro sleepers:
Good luck, and sweet dreams! Groggily yours *While there is no hard and fast rule, the general guide is toddlers need around 12 hours of sleep a night; children aged 3–6 years old need 10–12 hours; 7- to 12-year-olds need 10–11 hours; and teenagers need around 8–9 hours. You may feel cheated when your child consistently sleeps less than his peers, but the truth is, some kids just don’t need as much sleep to be healthy and feel their best during the day.
Text about the embedded YouTube video was written by Regan Barnes, ChairMom of the MotherBoard at Momivate
Do you ever wonder if all the effort you are putting into motherhood really matters? One of the goals of Momivate is to convince you that your endeavors to raise your children are instrumental in lifting society. The Ted Talk embedded below, "Why Most Parenting Advice is Wrong," seems to be antithetical to our foundational venture to activate moms. Please take 17 minutes to listen to this professor of neuroscience—and fellow mother—and then let’s discuss how she’s actually in agreement with Momivate at our core.
I confess that my skin crawled when this professor revealed the final conclusion of the metastudy! I’ve never considered it to be my goal that my children turn out to be just like each other—not even my identical twins! The scientists are using mismatched logic to conclude that loving parents want to simply program children like computers, dismissing the children’s innate talents, aspirations, strengths and weaknesses.
Part of what makes motherhood so worthy and needful of our best efforts is the challenge inherent in patiently working with the individual aspects of each of our offspring. Because we love them, we’re committed to determining, through a continual, loving process of trial and error, how each child responds to various parenting “techniques” and adjusting accordingly. By using the illustration of a butterfly controlling a hurricane, the professor convinced me to keep listening. Butterflies are so meaningful to Momivate that they're featured in our logo. The metamorphosis from a creepy-crawly insect to a beautiful creature of flight is symbolic of the changes Momivate wants to bring to the role of motherhood, as well as the potential our children have to transform and grow wings of their own. Despite my initial distaste for the scientific study, I’m glad I continued to listen to this professor and notice that she never comes to the conclusion that the butterfly should NOT flap its wings . . . Knowing that my "hurricane child" would not even exist without me is a compelling concept in the face of the overwhelming odds described. The fact that my flaps cannot determine the final outcome of the hurricane doesn't stop me from sending winds of love with each beat of my wings. If my children were to sense that I chose not to guide them because too many other cultural or environmental forces seemed to overpower our (mine + my child’s) efforts, that's when my wondrous hurricane-child’s indomitable spirit would lose its own sense of ability to change the world. We butterflies must flap—first, to create the hurricane, and then continually so the hurricane will expand in its own whirlwind of potential. Yes, moms, there are many forces influencing our children, and we must do what we can to increase or decrease the effects of those forces as we deem necessary. We can do that best when we acknowledge that ultimately, control outside of ourselves remains impossible. Outcomes, though somewhat predictable due to patterns discovered over centuries of research and observation, simply cannot be guaranteed when it comes to parenting. This professor's final point about dragon parenting is incredibly potent: to love as fiercely as the winds of the hurricane, being present in each shared moment, acknowledging that time together is all we really have, so let's make that time enjoyable for the sake of both mother and child, not because of trying to control outcomes. For instance, when I read a parenting book that helps me improve my listening skills with my children, I must do it for the sake of truly hearing my children, motivated only by my love for them, NOT because said book promises that the improved listening will push the right buttons and, ta-da, the end result is a robot who obeys my every command! If I work towards goals—including becoming the kind of parent my younger self always wanted—it must be a personal struggle to fulfill my potential rather than a scheme designed to calm the destructive storm that I regard my child to be. My children’s exposure to my exertion empowers them to set goals that, in essence, funnel their hurricane power and focus it towards self-actualization. Even though there will always be myriad forces impacting them, they’ll build their own strength and wield their own power to mitigate those forces, and ultimately gain control of their ability to transform the world. Mothers, hear out this professor's final points and let those be what sticks with you rather than worrying about or being turned off by the "science" that she refers to at the beginning. You matter because YOU ARE THE BUTTERFLY—and every movement of your wings contributes to that hurricane child of yours, even if it doesn't control them. From the YouTube Description: Parenting books promise to show people how to raise happy, successful children, and in the process to reveal why each of us turned out the way we did. But the science of child development tells a different story about how parents influence children—a story that may shock, unsettle, and ultimately reassure anyone who has ever been a parent or a child. Yuko is a Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of Colorado Boulder. Her work investigates child development and environmental influences on children’s thinking, using behavioral, neuroimaging, and computational approaches. She is an elected fellow of the Association for Psychological Science and the American Psychological Association. Her work on child development has been funded by the National Institutes of Health since 1998, and has been published in top scientific journals and featured in The Atlantic, The Today Show, and Parents Magazine. She co-edited two books on brain and cognitive development, and co-authored a computational cognitive neuroscience textbook. She has received awards for research, teaching, and mentoring. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx |
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